By tonight, you’ll know the LDOC lineup. There will probably even be a Duke Meme about it, but spare me. (An aside: a lot of those aren’t funny, but the “Got a 5 on the AP Calculus Exam/Failed Math 32” meme is actually the geometric inverse of funny. Maybe it’s a meta-meme.) But I couldn’t wait for the release of the lineup to write this column, so this week is gonna have to be about predictions. I made up some absurd hypothetical lineups and ranked them for quality and plausibility on a 1-10 scale. Then, you can rank the actual lineup yourself, ex post, and that’ll be fun. So here goes!
The “Classic LDOC” lineup: James Blunt and Cobra Starship
This one adheres to the tried-and-tried-again-but-still-untrue formula of pairing a middling, lily-livered college rock act (think Guster or Jason Mraz) with any Hot 100 act that isn’t prohibitively expensive. There’s not much in the way of stylistic continuity here, but that’s a nitpicky concern didn’t stop the brain trust that put Flogging Molly back-to-back with Jay Sean in 2009. Rating: 3 (quality)/8 (plausibility). This is exactly par for the course, the sort of lineup you’d have to be hammered to enjoy. Too bad your hard alcohol will be confiscated on site.
The “This Is My Nightmare” Lineup: LMFAO, Bruno Mars and Taio Cruz
This one fuses all the most prevalent and disturbing trends in popular music together—hip-hop softness, party songs about partying, LMFAO—and worst of all, our exquisitely cultured student body would actually go apes**t for it. Rating: 1/1. I slept well last night knowing that DUU could never actually afford to bring this sonic abortion to bear.
The “Mind: Blown” Lineup: Odd Future, Die Antwoord and Yelawolf
Here, you’ve got Satan worshippers, redneck meth-heads and gender-confused South Africans. And rap music! Duke Chapel might literally crumble under the sheer impropriety of such a spectacle. Rating: 8/0. This would be the ballsiest thing DUU has ever done; Dean Bryan would immediately expel all members of the LDOC committee.
The “My Wet Dream” Lineup: Araabmuzik, A$AP Rocky and Real Estate
Act 1: Enjoy a mellow-mushroom afternoon soundtracked by Matt Mondanile’s guitar. Act 2: Break out your Styrofoam cups with Jolly Ranchers at the bottom while Rocky gets his purple swag on. Act 3: You are now listening to Araabmuzik. Become fascinated by the way your own skin feels. Rating: 10/4. Fiscally, this is totally within DUU’s means. It won’t happen, of course, but still. It could be done.
The Prediction: Gavin Degraw OR The Fray and Mac Miller OR Childish Gambino.
Alternatively, I’ll be less than shocked to see O.A.R., All American Rejects or Breathe Carolina. The downside: these are some less-than-thrilling propositions. The upside: I’ve got room to be pleasantly surprised. Make my day, DUU.
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