Sandbox

An LMFAO song called “Party Rock Anthem” is currently number nine on the Billboard Top 100. It’s the 42nd consecutive week that “Party Rock Anthem” has appeared on that chart.

I’ve dispensed with a snappy, sardonic lead this week, partially because I’m phoning this column in, and partially because my mind is so irreversibly blown by that statistic that I can’t express my thoughts on the subject with anything other than mouth-agape bewilderment. But before I try to move on to coherent outrage, let me f**k you up with a little more truth on LMFAO.

In the history of the Top 100 chart, only two songs have remained in the top ten longer than “Party Rock Anthem.” In a related story, “Sexy and I Know It” has been number one or two on that chart for the last eight weeks. Both, for the record, are off an album called Sorry for Party Rocking.

We’ve derisively discussed the recent evolution of bro-step in this space before. Turns out, Skrillex’ machine-death-porn anthems are in fact only the tip of an iceberg of s****y electro: America seems to have fallen deeply in love with the same band producing Paris Hilton’s comeback single. I couldn’t make this up.

The tragedy that is LMFAO’s overwhelming success is all the more devastating in light of the immense quantity of actually, you know, good electronic music. So now I’ll speak to you, passive consumer of music/regular pop radio listener:

What is the matter with you? You spent the last year fist-pumping to Avicii or David Guetta or some other soulless piece of industrial-cleaner-synth trash, but I don’t remember hearing any Clams Casino, or Araabmuzik, or even M83, at Shooters recently. You really don’t have the patience to dance to a song that isn’t assaulting you with flatulent bass drops every eight bars? I’ll give you some of my focus medication. Would that help? Because your taste in music—it’s killing me. ­