But look, I’m really sorry about it. And I’m still joining Occupy Duke, just to support the rest of you who apparently need financial aid or something. Let me explain.
When I first heard about Occupy Wall Street, I was so proud. Finally, the American sheeple were speaking up for our rights! It’s just like the Arab Spring. It has a Twitter and everything. I called my daddy’s office phone to ask him if he’d heard of it.
“Oh, I’ve heard,” he growled. “I’m looking at it right now. Glad the police are doing something about those truants and philistines.”
I couldn’t believe my father could be so callous. He was willing to buy TOMS shoes and only drink fair-trade coffee to help poor people in Africa, but he didn’t support the movement of our own people?
“Daddy, they’re fighting for us. We are the 99 percent. Don’t you want to join them?”
He just sighed and told me to ask my mother about it. That was a good idea. I knew Mom would care because she goes to charity benefits all the time. We even host our own ball, every year, to support Classics for the Lower Class, a charity that promotes the teaching of dead languages in homeless shelters. And sure enough, she says she’s been taking copies of the Aeneid to Zuccotti Park for weeks now. “It’s no good, though, sweetie. Everyone says they’ve already read it.” And in that conversation she confessed to me something that my parents had been hiding from me my whole life: I am a part of the 1 percent.
I was heartbroken. My parents had so many opportunities to let me know: at our annual Christmas dinner in Paris, during eco-tourist excursions in Africa, at my Coming Out party—apparently Coming Out Day at Duke is about gay people and not a celebration for people who missed out on their own deb parties at all, by the way—or when we were picking out our new ski cabin. They could have told me when I was explaining my feeling of solidarity with the Thai craftswoman who stitched the crest on my school blazer. But they waited until now, when there was finally a social movement my generation could join, to tell me I was a part of the status quo.
I was so excited about Occupy Duke, too. I thought only Tailgate would mobilize the student body, but it looks like they also care about poor people in their own country! I couldn’t wait to join. All the posters, all the tweets, even the Occupy T-shirt I bought told me I was the 99! Being the 1 percent destroyed my dreams, and I would have to look on from the ivory tower of the ignominy of the rich.
But then I took a closer look at the movement, and at the Duke student body, and realized, not many of you are the 99, either! A whole lot of you who are occupying Duke during the week are interviewing at Wall Street on the weekends. It goes a long way toward making up for all the retirement pensions you’ll destroy, blow you’ll do and secretaries you’ll molest in the future by joining this important social movement now.
It’s also super noble of you to protest against your parents like that. Don’t be afraid to tell them. When I told my parents I was occupying Duke, my mom was so excited about my being a part of Real Social Change that she sent me a brand-new Patagonia jacket and down sleeping bag, so I could be warm and toasty for my very first protest.
I understand, also, that some of my friends might actually be a part of the 99. If you had to fly coach on your last trip to Europe and were too ashamed to tell me, please don’t be. I support you and if you need any help paying for your new Longchamp bag to replace the one that broke, let me know. I’m here for you. That’s why I’m protesting alongside you. I may not be one of the 99, but I have been told I have a useless major, so I really sympathize with working America. And when working people have important problems, even if they’re not in a third world country, I will help.
Still, let’s not lose perspective here. I don’t know for sure, but I can imagine it must really suck to have to drive a used car. That being said, your problems are total first world problems. Maybe some of you lost your house or something, but if you were in Africa, you’d have no house to lose. Don’t get me wrong, it’s really cool to occupy Wall Street and stuff; I mean, protests are the best, and Ayatollah Khomeini is super into this one. But don’t forget you still ate dinner last night. If you were in Zuccotti Park, it probably came from my daddy’s company! He never says no to me.
Concerned Global Citizen is going to work for a NGO and also she’s been to Africa, so she’s way more qualified to care about poor people than you are. No offense.
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