Duke Horizontal

Once upon a time, I was a freshman. I thought the memories would remain perfectly clear, waiting patiently these past four years for my eventual nostalgia and recollection. Instead, I struggle to bring such moments back into consciousness. Against a vague backdrop of Soulja Boy’s “Crank That” and the smell of the Wannamaker basement, specific details stay slightly out of focus and my ability to follow a linear timeframe deteriorates.

Punctuating the haze, there are flashes of clarity. The faces of the students in my Writing 20 class; the purple skirt I wore when I kissed a Duke boy for the first time; the deafening silence of the Carpentener Reading Room during my first college all-nighter—these random moments stand out. I also vividly remember the dual emotions of wanting everyone to know that I had it all figured out and at the same time realizing I had no idea what I was doing. In the months and years that followed, I developed the highly refined tactic of making everything up as I went along to fill my 500-word quota. Ultimately, I made a lot of mistakes. I learned and I changed and I came away with more stories than I’ll ever know what to do with. And I also gained something that might resemble wisdom, which I impart to you now, wherever you may be going next.

Never assume the obvious. When someone invites you to order Dominoes, play Nintendo, watch the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, or admire their dorm room posters, their intentions should be transparent. Although Dominoes is probably a good call no matter what.

Put your friends first. Relationships come to an end, but sometime in the not-so-distant future, your friends will be the ones reminding everyone about the time you accidentally left your boyfriend naked and tied up to your bed with the door open while your unsuspecting roommate wandered around the apartment. Or when you role-played as a Dad and babysitter. Or when you sent a friend text updates about a sexual encounter in real time. You’ll be grateful for your friends then.

Don’t settle for anything less than your own personal pleasure. If you want something, ask for it. If you’re not enjoying yourself, stop. At the very least, give in to your friends’ peer pressure and invest in a burgundy rhinestone vibrator.

Make things up for yourself. I have friends that have never had a one-night stand. Other friends have never had a serious relationship. Some enjoy the novelty of creative positions and sexual props. Still others take pleasure in the routine of normalcy. Some have an insatiable desire for Law and Order: SVU characters, others for gingers. Liberate yourself from outside opinion and judgment. Approval is never worth the price.

Everything works out in the end. In a free-for-all Cancun spring break, a chance game of flip-cup, or an opportune classroom friendship, everything can change. At Duke, people and experiences you’ve written off forever suddenly come crashing back into your life with surprising regularity. You lose your virginity and its actually special. Your worst enemy becomes your significant other (or vice-versa). You break up and its OK. Never be surprised.

Have a sense of humor. Make friends whose sexual exploits you can mock on a regular basis. Hate some days and enjoy others. Develop the ability to laugh about love and sex. After all, it’s a beautiful life. Go out and live it.