Let’s talk about sex... toys

Ladies and gentlemen, f***saws. They teach you when writing for a newspaper to always grab the reader’s attention in the first line. Despite the little asterisks that I assume will replace the second, third, and fourth letters of that oh-so-amazing word, I think I done grabbed y’all’s attention. Yes, I’m talking about a reciprocating saw with you can guess what on the top. If you haven’t heard of the contraption, then you probably can’t afford it.

Well, actually, it’s 169 bucks online, so a lot of Duke students definitely can afford it, but that’s not the point. The reason I bring it up is because renowned Northwestern University psychology professor and author, John Michael Bailey, recently used one in a live demonstration for his popular Human Sexuality class. No, not on himself. He brought in a non-student demonstrator and her partner, and, according to The Daily Northwestern, had her “repeatedly sexually stimulated” in front of the optional class session. If only I could print those words more often in this column. After much media attention, Bailey and the University publicly apologized, but it brings up everyone’s favorite lingering issue of “political correctness” and challenges the definition of decency even in an academic setting. Do I also hear the bell of “sexuality and gender issues” tolling?

Whatever you think about this story, we can agree on one thing: Our society is so g-darn backward and confused when it comes to sexuality. When college athletes are suspended from their teams for having consensual sex with their girlfriends, but Kobe Bryant and Ben Roethlisberger FatHead posters hang in kids’ bedrooms, I start scratching my head. When sports stars and Hollywood “icons” with four kids out of wedlock by the time they’re 25 are idolized, you know we’ve got a couple things wrong. And how the Brigham Young University Honor Code Office found out about Brandon Davies’ boudoir is a whole different kind of screwy. Now, I’m hardly the family values columnist here at The Chron, I’m just saying we need to make up our minds.

We can do one of two things. On one hand, we Americans can shove our heads back up our collective patooties and return to a time before the sexual revolution; a time when women were treated as objects and kept out of top jobs… well, at least it would be a return for everyone outside of fraternities and Wall Street. Option number two, however, would be to accept sexuality as a part of our society. We can throw off these ridiculous notions that sex is an evil, depraved, godless bit of devil worship. Also, maybe we could stop overlooking actual news stories about unrest in the Middle East and our floundering economy, instead focusing on junk stories that only your great grandmother and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints would care about.

Don’t get me wrong; Miley Cyrus is still a piece of trash. But the fact that America, a nation that boasts the classic piece of cinematic art “The Flavor Of Love,” is so offended by what went down in an optional demonstration on sexual fetishes is a bit ridiculous. May I also remind you that the demonstration was in a famously off-color Human Sexuality course, where students were explicitly warned of the graphic nature in advance?

Seriously, look at the Billboard charts: we’ve got Rihanna coming in with a song called “S&M,” a follow up to her last single which asked if the “rude boy was big enough,” and soon after that Katy Perry wants to be “fill[ed] ...with your poison” and abducted. Ladies and gentlemen, for the love of God, Ke$ha is a household name! How can we pretend that sexuality is so scary and foreign, when that lady/thing is around?

When you get down to it, a live sex toy demonstration for a class of college kids is probably unnecessary. We’ve got Internet porn for that. Was a live sex toy demonstration for a class of college kids worthy of national news coverage for a week? No. Was Karen Owen’s “Powhorepoint” worthy of the three weeks of gender psychologist interviews on the real news? Not a chance. God invented penises, and God invented vaginas, and then we somehow ended up with crazy people who are scared of them. Maybe God didn’t say anything about reciprocating saws used in sex play, but he did say, “Go forth and multiply,” and dammit, that’s just what we’re doing. Sorry BYU, but that’s just what Brandon Davies was doing, and now you cost yourselves a Sweet 16 game.

There’s no lack of depravity in American society, let alone on a college campus, but can we really still be shocked by sex? Seriously, let’s all grow up and get it off the news so we can pay attention to what’s really important: Charlie Sheen.