Duke, Horizontal

I don’t understand people who don’t like giving oral sex. Perplexed, I label them under the same category as individuals who abhor melted cheese, Disney World or driving with the windows down. In a similar fashion, an aversion to head seems as illogical as hating all that is good and wonderful in the world. Go pout through Christmas and drown some puppies while you’re at it. As an aspiring therapist, I recognize that I should take an accepting approach to all manners of sexual expression and desire. But seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?

Ignoring the mindset of the fellatio-phobic, it’s remarkable how much oral sex has evolved to precede “full-on sex” on the scale of sexual appropriateness. In the teenage years, oral activity dominated the amateur dating culture. At my high school, no one could really judge your sexual character if you were merely giving head, unless you did it in public places or with school employees. During college, many a technical prude uses blowjobs as her M.O., and casual oral sex doesn’t quite qualify as a one-night stand. As one friend recently encountered a proclaimed male oral-sex virgin, the rest of our group approached this confession with a healthy dose of skepticism. In an environment of frequent and informal intimacy, head may be arguably more common than kissing, turning the inexperienced into a rare and unlikely specimen. And one can’t doubt the potential of this boy’s claim as a source of heightened motivation for anyone waffling over the issue. If he’s telling the truth, it’s an opportunity for sexual immortality. He may have just found the most brilliant line ever.

After all, speaking for heterosexual women in particular, giving head often forms the most unselfish type of sexual activity and plays directly into an emphatic desire to please. From an obvious perspective, there are probably a lot of things you’d rather have in your mouth for an extended period of time. Ring pops would certainly rank higher on my own list. Still, giving head has an aura of validation and, arguably, empowerment. Through only your sheer skill and will-power, you have created ecstasy. This probably explains why there is a direct correlation between how good one perceives her oral skills and one’s enjoyment level in providing oral sex. Then again, I rarely encounter many women who admittedly deem their head prowess to be lacking. I personally believe that I am an oral-sex maestro and the external accolades form my basis of proof, my inflated ego too big to entertain questions of validity or sincerity. I guess this compares to most men’s exceedingly high faith in their own penetrative sexual mastery.

Keeping in mind the role of confidence and the illusion of being an excellent head-giver, I’m left wondering whether a universal standard can be applied to defining good oral sex. Practice makes perfect, but in the interest of human variation, even experience can’t prepare you for the element of personal preference. A long-time friend claims that our illustrious technique must be identical after years of swapping notes, but now I question how we both could equally please our separate sampling populations. Is there really such a thing as the perfect blowjob?

I could go on. Oral sex is an endlessly interesting topic. Unless you’re one of those people who finds it unappealing. In which case, I don’t judge you. But I do feel bad for you.