I Am Number Four

Disney has bought and produced this same story hundreds of times. Unless you’re a tween who hasn’t yet been drowned by these tales of high-school drama, you might as well stay at home and watch the Disney Channel.

I Am Number Four tells the story of a race of nine elite aliens, called Loriens, who are forced to flee their world. They make a new home on Earth, where the Mogadorians, an evil race intent on conquering the planet, attempt to hunt them down. The catch is, each Lorien posesses a charm that only allows them to be killed in a specific order. At the beginning of the film, we see the slaughter of Number Three, and Number Four, known as John Smith (Alex Pettyfer), is on the run with his protector Henri (Timothy Olyphant). Having just moved to the small town of Paradise, Ohio, he encounters the alien equivalent of teenage growing pains through the requisite new-kid high-school experience: getting in trouble with the quarterback by stealing his girl Sarah (Dianna Agron), befriending an unpopular nerd and rebelling against his guardian. The Mogadorians inevitably track him to Paradise, which leads to a massive special-effects showdown—showing the touch of producer Michael Bay—before John is forced to leave to continue hiding and fighting elsewhere.

There is nothing original or noteworthy about this film. The story is trite, the performances are thoroughly mediocre and the overall experience lacks anything memorable. To add to these problems, I Am Number Four does not work as a standalone; it is clearly meant as part of a series, lacking a complete and nicely concluded story.

Unlike in other Disney franchises like Pirates of the Carribbean, the ending pretends to tie up a potentially interesting tale. But, unlike in watching Pirates, I didn’t find myself caring what happens next.