Duke, Horizontal

I frequently win “Never Have I Ever.” Or lose, depending on one’s interpretation of the game’s point. It’s never really been made clear to me whether the winner is the participant who puts down their fingers the quickest or has the most standing at the end, but maybe winning is subject to one’s personal views on morality. I feel the same way about drinking games that penalize the loser by making them consume additional alcoholic beverages. Isn’t everyone really a winner?

On the flipside, I’m notoriously ungifted in thinking up possible behaviors or situations that I have not partaken in. I dislike the annoyingly impossible, “Never have I ever received a blow job” and other gender specific experiences. In the interest of keeping the scenarios within the realm of plausibility and away from digust, I tend to automatically refrain from enumerating the obvious “never evers” on my list. I’ve never hooked up with a married man, never had sex in front of an audience and never used a ball gag. If it involves scatology, it’s a never (which I hope merits a resounding “duh”), and I’ve never worked at a strip club (triple duh). That being said, there are a few notable and perhaps more surprising items that have never been checked off my sexual to-do list.

First, I’ve never slept with a virgin. I didn’t take advantage of the ample virgin meatmarket during my high school years, and I stuck to the older and experienced end of the sexual spectrum as a freshman, a time when I could have picked a virgin off easily. Several of my friends have made a habit of bedding the inexperienced, amassing v-card collections five or six strong. I imagine the ego-boost must be appealing, as well as the ability to permanently alter a young man’s sexual fate. Regrettably, as the cougar lifestyle has never held any particular appeal (I’ve also never hooked up with someone younger), it seems I’ll never have the opportunity to judge this experience for myself.

In my time at Duke, I’ve also never had any romantic encounters with an independent male. I stress that I never consciously made this decision or actively vetted against non-Greeks. Sometimes my friends suggest that I write a column ranking IFC organizations in order of sexual ability, but I’ve actually never done any particular amount of damage on an entire social group and my sample size is far too small. Also, given recent scandals, I’d like to stay away from case-by-case comparison. That being said, focusing on fraternity membership in the process of sexual selection seems a little bit like the Pokemon strategy of “GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL.” Maybe it’s time to actually start acknowledging those graduate students that annoyingly take over my booth at Alivia’s.

Importantly, I’ve never had a threesome. In high school, my best friend and I made a pact to never have a threesome together which followed us to college and remains intact to this day. In case you were wondering, we’ve never received any invitations, but the fact that one of us was blonde and the other brunette seemed like a natural path towards temptation in the minds of two 17-year-olds.

I’ve never had sex on a beach (I’m anti-sand). I’ve never participated in a wet t- shirt contest. I’ve never had cyber sex (definitely a never that I hope stays that way). I’ve also never gone skydiving, gotten a tattoo or run a marathon. In hindsight, I’m a bit more boring than a sex columnist might be expected to be. Then again, never say never right?