Relationships are like art--you try to understand what the hell you are up against before you finally give up trying. It takes somebody with a glass of wine and wit like a 37-year-old British movie critic to tell you what is wrong.
Something like “he has commitment issues” or “that painting is so CLEARLY from his pink period”. Whatever.
Some of you here at Duke have never even heard of a relationship. Don’t fret: this is a comprehensive, all-inclusive, no fail guide to understanding relationships and art.
First, let’s define what exactly a relationship is. It’s when two people (or three people if you are a free spirit) decide that they only want to sit around and hook up with each other. Why anyone would want to do that beats me.
In art, some people have muses who just sit around while the painter watches them. Sometimes muses are willing, other times no so much. In life, an unwilling muse would probably be known as a stalking victim but in art everything is ok. With art and relationships, one person usually gets more invested than the other person and becomes possessive and sometimes violent and then DUPD gets involved and no one wants that.
Second, the person who does the least amount of work gets the biggest reward. We all know that Duke has an awesome econ program and that public policy isn’t too shabby either. In fact, we probably all chose Duke for academic prestige so that we can declare our majors as pre-money. But, maybe all of those kids that went to RISD and Tisch were onto something.
Maybe art majors shouldn’t be overlooked. Think about it: an artist gets to paint an entire canvas blue and say that its about a girl that he watched in the park every day for three years and the entire population that makes more than $250,000 a year will swoon and pay at least 50 thousand for it.
He just made more than a lower level office employee for basically being a stalker who couldn’t afford to buy more than one color from Michael’s (or AC Moore depending on where you are from).
In a relationship, the guy that beds the hot cheerleader is never the one who buys her flowers and chocolates but is someone who can just bounce and/or throw a ball. For the cynics, yes all relationships do sound really similar to the plot of every 80's romantic comedy. Closer to the point, the jock just shows up and every girl who has more than just Barbie parts will be fighting over him for no reason at all.
In a psychology class freshman year, I learned that females want to mate with the man that has the strongest genes and will best help our children get through survival of the fittest. In Duke terms, females want to mate with the guys with the fastest path to the following positions: president, CEO, partner (but not necessarily in that order).
Am I generalizing Duke girls? Hell yes I am but generalizations (as well as stereotypes) exist for a reason.
I end with a final word of advice: if you are dating at duke think about art. Be like an artist and act completely disinterested in anything mainstream, popular, or trendy. Then, when you are ready to catch that special someone, dedicate something to them of minimal talent and effort that has a really deep and dark life moment connected to it.
The reality is that art and relationships are a tad too similar. They make absolutely no sense and people usually have to be drunk to enjoy them. Maybe that’s the beauty of it.
Ariel Smallwood is a Trinity sophomore. Her online column runs every Tuesday.
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