All the cool kids are doing it...

It’s that time of year folks. Ace Ventura walking around kicking boxes of plastic cutlery, the “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” banana bro hopping on the C-1, and Tony Jabronies walking around in their un-tucked, half-buttoned Sunday best with Nikes on. No it’s not Halloween on “Maury, ” it’s Pledging Season, y’all!

Yes, now two of my bi-weekly, 800-word status updates have been about greek life, but know that the point of my musing is to muse on Duke Life, and everyone knows that greek life is Duke life. Just ask the administration! But even if you’re not one of the silent minority tempted by social living groups, you certainly have an opinion, or at least an impression, of what I’m talking about: everyone’s favorite form of subservient social denigration and member integration, pledging. And do you think drunk 20-year-olds are the best facilitators of efficiently and responsibly handling the process of integrating bros into the frat? I sure as hell wouldn’t be the best man to pledge ‘em up.

Seeing as I’m only in a fake frat, I’ve missed out on the pleasure of mandatory vomiting and the ability to yell “Pour that milkshake on your head, pledge!” But I have had my own experience with new-member initiation and integration. Maybe it’s not the best (or cliché) experience, but it’s an experience nonetheless. However, let me say, tongue momentarily removed from cheek, that my decision to join the group that I did was not at all based on pledging or lack thereof. Personally, I was fully willing to go through the process of joining an official IFC fraternity if, based on the people, I had decided it was the best place for me.

But where were we? Oh yeah, pouring that milkshake on your head. True story. I saw it happen. So how does an act such as that turn relative strangers into “Brothers” with a capital B? I understand that misery loves company, and the militaristic “Band of Brothers” concept. Going through hell and back can certainly bring people together, but something about making kids carry around bags full of chewing tobacco and condoms at all hours of the day for the convenience of some upperclassmen doesn’t really sound like surviving battle to me. For that matter, neither does forbidding kids to sleep, shower or shave, or trapping them in vomit-filled closets for hours on end.

So putting kids through a month full of mutual suffering in theory would bring them together. They all have to do the same crap, and then can commiserate together about how crappy their crap is, while anticipating the next night’s crap. Furthermore, they can then commiserate with their Brothers, barring the Brothers let the stupid pledges speak with them, about how the Brothers had to do the same crap when they were stupid pledges. Anyway, the concept is one thing, but who better to trust to appropriately and efficiently execute that concept than a bunch of testosterone-engorged frat boys who are still full of memories of their own terrible pledging experiences, and ready to exact some sort of a-parallel revenge. Let’s be real, if I had pledges I’d probably do the exact same thing. I mean what irresponsible, egocentric20-something wouldn’t? But can we at least agree that there might be better ways?

Ask any kindergarten teacher: You don’t spend your time reprimanding the little jerk-offs, you positively reinforce the little darlings ... unless you’re the Tiger Mother, or in Germany. Positive incentives are always more effective than telling people they are “so effed” if they don’t accomplish a task. So if you are attempting to integrate new members into a tight-knit organization, wouldn’t some sort of positive incentive be more useful than giving them mullets and mohawks and making them slip-n-slide down a ramp of their own throw up? Jesus, there’s a lot of throw up in this piece.

Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly many aspects of the fraternity member integration that are very worth while. Having kids memorize names and interests of the Brothers instantly gives a baseline connection, and the idea of having to pledge their commitment to the organization through a month of hell almost guarantees continued involvement in the group for a long time. However, something like incentivizing their accomplishment of tasks that benefit the organization with a giant party while also putting them through a little bit of well-planned and productive misery sounds a lot more effective. Sorry if it’s not “National Lampoon” enough for you.

I know what you’re thinking: cllleeaarly tier 2.5. Now hazing is an American tradition, as old as money laundering and shoddy manufacturing, but don’t you think the current practice has strayed a little too far from its intended purpose? Well, at least there’s always the entertainment value.