Sandbox

No doubt Recess would be remiss if we didn’t eulogize Four Loko, being the paper of record when it comes to candy-colored alcoholic beverages.

What can you say about a drink that combines preposterous amounts of alcohol with enough caffeine to raise John Belushi from the dead? Well, first off, Ron Artest’s probably kicking the world for this not being around during his in-game drinking days, and Charlie Sheen’s no doubt shedding tears over the fact that his best-possible fuel for prospective hotel-demolishing has been discontinued.

We can see a future for the beverage as a still-illegal-but-less-deadly replacement for sizzurp, so expect Waka Flocka Flame’s follow-up album, Lokoveli, to drop soon after he notices the ban, sometime in 2013.

But seriously, this is a grave occurrence in the world of college drinking, and Recess doesn’t want to belittle the change this prohibition will bring to campuses the country over. Now, when students start mixing their own freaked-out proto-Loko concoctions, a new cult of experimentalism will breed fresh alcohol/caffeine marriages: StarbucksCrat, Coca-Crat, NoDozCrat. We worry about this.

Maybe, Chuck Schumer and co., you should’ve left it to the professionals to make sure that when kids go face-first into drinks including multipe body-chemistry altering drugs, they don’t pass out instantly from heart palpitations. Just, you know, sometime later on in the day.

But we don’t endorse this kind of behavior here at Recess. Unless Kanye does. In which case, we’re wholeheartedly for, and we might even make signs.

Look, alcohol is a tricky brew to regulate, because people seem to really, really like it, and they like it in ways that maybe it shouldn’t necessarily be had. (No, this isn’t the sex column. Check a little to the right.) Whether the Loko-ban makes the world a safer place or not, one thing’s for certain: more bans.