It seems like no one can stop talking about the so-called “revolution” of social media.
In the past couple decades cell phones, computers and the Internet have fundamentally changed the way we communicate. We are ever more connected, with a seemingly unbounded number of channels to interact on.
Now we can commit faux pas in new and exciting ways! Indeed, mankind has reached the pinnacle of civilization. Where would we be without our modern miracles in communication? I can think of a few things I’d dearly miss.
Texting: With great power comes great responsibility. Did you know that somewhere around four billion text messages are sent each day? This raises some very significant questions.
How many of the four billion contain at least one “LOL,” “ROFL” or “HAHA?” In how many of those does the phrase actually mean the person is amused rather than merely making a pathetic attempt to make the message less awkward? Yes, of course it was a joke; you weren’t really hitting on me. (I have this nagging feeling that this column is going to cause me some problems.)
How many are naughty? (And why do I not get those?) How many can be classified under the delightful phenomena of drunk texts? Those are closely related to my personal favorite: the lonely ex-girlfriend text. Tread carefully, young nimble-thumbed soldier, for great peril lies here. (Okay, maybe more than just a nagging feeling.)
Typically, however, this technology only lets you talk to one person at a time. We can do better, right? You betcha!
Twitter, oh Twitter, you fantastic haven for self-important pretention and incoherent inanity—capturing the Zeitgeist 140 characters of written excrement at a time—you hold a special place in my heart. Never before have so many people been so tragically misinformed about the significance of their daily activities.
The narcissism comes as no great surprise when you examine the terminology; not only can you “follow” people, but you can have “followers.” You can be your very own Internet messiah! Your kingdom awaits you!
I, like virtually every other college student in America, spend more time than I should on Facebook. Nonetheless, some people really put me to shame in the pointless-dithering-of-time category. Seriously, anyone that can dedicate time to playing Farmville and the ilk needs to try taking real classes, having a life or—here’s a thought for the ages—both.
While we’re on Facebook, what’s with “becoming a fan” of utterly mundane crap? It rather destroys the meaning of the word fan when you apply it to every arbitrary phrase that runs through your mind.
Here’s some of the best ones to cross my feed: “hate when nobody comments on your awesomely thought up status,” “The Moment Of Glory When You Find Out Everyone Hates The Person You Hate” and “Picking Your Nose While Observing A Lunar Eclipse.” I made that last one up, but I honestly wouldn’t be surprised to see it. If nothing else, I’m sure someone will create it just to irritate me, since apparently that’s a fun thing to do.
Fortunately, it turns out there’s a new super-secret social media that doesn’t suffer most of these pitfalls. I’m going to let you all in on it just because I’m a nice guy. You’ll love it, I promise.
Get off your computer. Turn off your cell phone. Facebook can wait. Twitter can wait. IM can wait. Hang out with friends that make you smile, make you laugh, make you cry. Eat lunch with classmates you haven’t taken the time to get to know. Go on a date with that cute girl from psychology and stop looking for yourself in “Missed Connections” on Craigslist. Enjoy every mundane detail of your life.
The most rewarding connections are formed when you aren’t connected. But you already knew that, didn’t you?
Jeremy Walch is a Pratt junior. His column runs every other Tuesday.
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