Class Distractions

Occasionally, I’m sitting back middle of the lecture hall, pen absently tracing figure eights on a blank yellow pad. A friend in the next seat dozes with his face in his palm, the wooden swivel tabletop creaking with each deep breath. The professor glances out the window at sunshine, having a long, solitary laugh over a convoluted point he’s just de-convoluted.

Two rows ahead, your MacBook springs open. Your background image is the iconic view down Chapel Drive—Gothic Tower rising above tree-lined road—or maybe just a shot of your overweight kitten at home; it catches my eye. You fire up iChat and, suddenly, some dude’s face comes into sharp LCD resolution. Now you’re animated: head swinging side-to-side, long brown curls bouncing, a loud smile straining your face. You wave affectionately at your shirtless, digitized boyfriend and he waves back. A pause, and then another round of waving. You’re the only motion in a landscape of static boredom.

Our boyfriend ups the ante, pulling an acoustic guitar from somewhere off-frame. He strums away while you mock dance, fists in the air. I look around to find any other witnesses, but no one seems to be paying attention. It’s like the Twilight Zone. Your live-stream boyfriend abruptly kisses the screen and produces a handwritten “I love you baby.” I lean forward instinctively, trying to determine if he’s in a poorly lit dorm room or just hanging out with his laptop in a medieval dungeon. That’s when he notices me, my awestruck face encroaching in the corner of your visual domain. Your boyfriend gestures and you dart around to face me. You look hurt and disgusted; the BF just looks disappointed in me for not minding my own business. Not knowing what to do, I smile and wave at the screen. You slap the MacBook shut in irritation.

I’m going to have to promote not using your webcam during class. Who am I to judge… but it’s objectively, absolutely the most obnoxious method of mid-lecture self-occupation. You might just stick to the basics: Chronicle crossword, Facebook, catching up on Jersey Shore. Do it for all of us sitting in the rows behind you.