I’ve got an idea! For my first column I’ll prattle on about all the exciting things I’ve done over break and how they all magically relate to whatever the heck my theme is supposed to be! None of the other columnists will think of that! I shall be famous throughout the land! I’m betting on a book, a movie and possibly a merchandise line, all commemorating my originality.
I’m kidding (except for the merchandise line). That sort of introduction would suggest purpose and coherence, which, despite being thoroughly adorable ideas, aren’t really my style. Granted, I’m not sure what exactly my style is—but I know it’s not that. Instead, I think we should discuss why you all should be excited for the Spring semester!
Since I’m sure the linguistic gurus (all six of you) are seething at my usage of discuss, let me say this: I’ve been told, “We need to discuss what you did/said” plenty of times. What inevitably follows is way more one-sided than an actual dialogue, so it must be an accepted euphemism, Q.E.D. (kind of).
As long as we’re playing word games, let’s start the comparison with usages and connotations. Fall has some pretty bad vibes. You can fall on your face, fall from grace and even fall in love. Watch out for that last one, it leads to arrhythmia. Fall is also a mere letter away from fail, which can’t be coincidental. In contrast, spring is just rife with good feelings. You can have spring in your step, spring into action and spring a surprise (party). Spring is also an anagram of awesome. No, really. Would I lie to you?
Weather is also an important topic to cover, since it’s the preferred topic for seven out of 10 awkward conversations, according to a recent survey I conducted in my head. The Fall semester starts during August, which in Durham means the temperature is measured in terms of circles in Dante’s Inferno rather than degrees Fahrenheit. By December, though, everyone’s piling on extra layers to stay warm—except for the New Englanders and Chicagoans who take pleasure in the suffering of warm climate creatures, as they are gleeful sadists.
Spring is just the opposite; we start out freezing and get warmer. As this term progresses, you will observe that girls’ clothing gets skimpier and skimpier. It’s like the world’s slowest striptease! Sweet! That makes Fall a reverse striptease, I guess? Apparently some things aren’t good in reverse.
Spring has some important things around here that Fall just doesn’t. For starters, there’s this tenting business. I wasn’t sure if that was noteworthy enough to include at first, but I heard a rumor that there’s a few basketball fans around here. That’s just a rumor, though. Remember, you didn’t hear it from me. I’ll deny I ever said it.
This semester also has greek rushing, greek bidding, greek pledging and Greek salad. This will affect about a third of you freshmen, assuming your class trends with the current undergraduate composition. Personally, I just can’t understand why two-thirds will pass on the delicious salad. Caesar’s no Greek, guys! (I’ll deny making that joke too.)
Sometimes, though, what you don’t have is just as important as what you do. Spring has but one break, as opposed to Fall’s two. “But wait, Jeremy,” you say, “two breaks are clearly better than one!” Au contraire, mon ami! I’ve found that professors tend not to acknowledge the existence of the short October break, blithely assigning work as if the days off were not there. Consolidating our vacation into a weeklong spring break creates a scheduling obstacle that can’t be ignored. Plus we can go to the beach!
On another academic note, grades in the Spring tend to be higher than in the previous Fall. Note that this claim is based on a cursory inspection of the posted Dean’s List cut-offs and should not be considered scientific, representative, statistically valid or remotely accurate—but that’s not important! You’ll all do better this semester, I promise!
If I haven’t convinced you yet, good for you. I’ve just been rationalizing anyway. Here’s the real reason to be excited for Spring: carpe diem. That would’ve made for a boring column, though, now wouldn’t it?
Jeremy Walch is a Pratt junior. His column runs every other Tuesday.
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