This just in: Jay Leno was struck by a train when his Model T Ford stalled on the tracks. Witnesses say the conductor had plenty of room to stop but instead chose to speed up and could be heard yelling some obscenity, though it was drowned out by the laughter of the onlookers. He will be survived only by his barren wife and a soulless mechanical litter of offspring—an extensive car collection. Cold and subhuman, they take after their father.
If you haven’t heard the news about The Tonight Show situation then you must be living under rubble, which wouldn’t be a surprise, considering that the controversy has caused such seismic activity. It’s too bad Leno hadn’t been on an Hispanolian vacation, but I die-Leno—I mean, digress.
Luckily, one man has always stood as a pillar for all that is good and right in show biz. And that man is Charlie Sheen—wait a second, that’s not show biz, that’s hoe biz. No. The man who inspires “the business of show” is Conan O’Brien. This guy started out as just some writer excited to have fun and entertain people. I want to be a writer, but Conan’s talent far outweighs my own. He wrote amazing sketches for SNL and even whole episodes of The Simpsons back in their prime. The only show I’ve been successful in writing a full episode of is Wheel of Fortune.
Conan has been a true inspiration for me, but it’s tough to tell my parents that I want to be a page for NBC. “I didn’t send you to Duke so you could be Kenneth from 30 Rock.” “But Dad, Kenneth is only a stepping stone. I want to be the bearded dude with the witty trucker hats.” “What the hell happened to pre-med?” “Asia happened, Dad. Asia. I saw General Chemistry coming, but I wasn’t prepared, and I’ll never forget. Just like Pearl Harbor.”
But my dad has come to respect my NBC dreams and their moral values and good business sense. It has been reported that NBC is estimated to lose $200 million on the Winter Olympics. To put that in perspective, that would be like if your parents spent $200,000 on college only for you to go work at a company about to lose $200 million.
That said, I have nothing but respect for the executives of NBC. I would never say they are more two-faced than Heidi Montag. Or that job security at NBC is the second worst in the country, just behind Homeland Security. I won’t even say, “National Broadcast Company? More like No Binding Contract! Oh burn!” (Jay Leno wrote that last one for me.)
As my salute to Conan, I want to encourage a boycott of Leno, which will be made easy with some great new programming.
Next week, the Golf Channel will be premiering a new dating show with Tiger Woods where 18 models compete to be his next mistress. It will be called 18 Holes with Tiger Woods. I can’t wait for him to hit the back nine.
Unfortunately, at some point Leno is going back on the air. If you are in the audience of Leno’s show, I want to encourage you to heckle. If you need any guns, I know a guy. For you celebrity guests, I think the best move here is the silent treatment. Also, don’t drink the coffee, it’s poisoned. For the bands, take a hint from Conan’s last days and do expensive cover songs. The speakers will all be playing a high-pitched whistle to attract packs of rabid stray dogs. It might be better if you just don’t play at all.
If you think this is harsh, then take this as a lesson. Don’t screw with Team Coco.
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