I’m a jealous guy. I know it’s hard to believe, but I assure you it’s true.
But you’re such an excellent Ukrainian folk dancer Jacob, what could you possibly be envious of, you reply? Of course, I know I was blessed with the amazing ability to express Yaroslav Chuperchuk’s work through the art of dance in ways most would kill for, but I just can’t shake this jealousy thing.
Ask any of my ex-girlfriends and I’m sure they’ll attest to my jealous nature. Though at times I may go overboard, I still hold that for the most part my jealousy is justified: Anyone even remotely familiar with the Ukrainian folk dance tour community knows how many girlfriends have been lost to fellow Ukrainian dance superstars.
But this time, in the words of rapper and consonant lover extraordinaire Jay-Z: I’ve got 99 problems but a—well, I’ll stop there, I think you all know what “ain’t one.” Though I can relate to Jay-Z’s lack of relationship issues, I do have a few more than 99 problems on my mind.
Actually, that number is much closer to 1,739.
Members of the freshmen Class of 2013, I’m sorry to put it bluntly, but I despise every last one of you (especially the kid who had his backpack taking up an open seat in a packed C-1 last week—have some common courtesy).
Well, let me rephrase that: WE despise every last one of you. I think I speak on the behalf of the majority of the senior class when I say the following: “We hate that you guys have three and a half years of college left, while we only have a semester. Also, you guys have some really adorable Uggs, where did you buy them?! Was it at Pennys? I thought so, they had a really good Black Friday sale, didn’t they?!” But we digress…
So yes, we’re a bit jealous. While our time at Duke has been full of many good memories, memories are fleeting. If we could only relive that first tailgate, that first Cookout run, that first time we saw “The Notebook” (I cried, lay off me, I’m sorry if I have a heart!), oh how wonderful that would be.
And not only do we pine for those earlier days, but in hindsight there are so many things we’d change: We’d get better grades our first semester, not hook up with that rando at Shooters and perhaps we’d even change our sheets more than once our freshman year.
Basically, if we could go back and start all over, we’d do it in a heartbeat. Now sure this jealously may in part be rooted in the career prospects, or lack thereof, that await us after graduation, but we also just really don’t want this wonderful thing called college to end.
It may seem like this jealousy is for naught. We can’t pull a Marty McFly, hop in our Delorean and travel back in time, But I think I have a solution. It’s bold, daring and probably won’t work, but I think it’s our only chance, fellow seniors.
Rebellion.
Here’s the plan: At the start of spring semester, we take back East Campus. Hopefully it will be a bloodless coup and the freshmen will give up their rooms with dignity, but should it come to violence, I think we can take them. Think about it, our frat stars have had three more years of getting their swell on in Wilson and our Pratt stars have had three more years of doing whatever it is they do in those dark hidden corners of the Perkins basement. With our collective combination of brawn and brains, those youngsters don’t stand a chance. After retaking East campus, every senior simply assumes the identity of a freshman, simple as that (I call dibs on a guy with a nose that isn’t the size of Texas!).
Forget about living in the moment, mumbo jumbo about each new day being a new beginning and other tacky sayings to make us feel better about our past regrets. Let’s just rebel. Heck, I’ll even make a Facebook event with a clever title. So freshmen, it’s your move. If you go peacefully, we may even let you come visit your old dorms every now and again—just remember to knock first if there’s a sock on the door.
Jacob Wolff is a Trinity senior. This is his final column of the semester.
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