One: Losing your virginity. The difference between something and nothing. A binary number. Yes or no. Experience or naivete. One is the first important number. You’ve created a formula that didn’t exist before. Plus one. Puberty hits, and suddenly arithmetic is making everyone horny.
The law of double standards: When determining the true value of an individual’s claimed sexual history, a girl’s total is divided in half. A boy’s sum is multiplied by two.
X: The number you dial when you’re drunk and alone on Valentine’s Day.
The virgin paradox: Unleash a group of sexually frustrated girls on a dance floor filled with unsuspecting strangers, and prepare yourself for a savage and barbaric phenomenon worthy of its own
Planet Earth special. Sexual experience is inversely proportional to the number of faces sucked. Relative attractiveness on either side of the equation is not a controlling factor.
FHAL: First Head, Anal Last
Infinity: Any number higher than that with which your boyfriend is comfortable.
Asymptotic liaison: A consistent hook-up that progressively resembles a committed relationship, but fails to ever become one. Trends when graphed include initial infrequent date function invitations, a plethora of text fights and a final refusal to meet one of the variable’s parents.
Area: Width times length. (Footnote: It matters.)
Obtuse angle: Any position not intended to be replicated by the human body.
Undefined: Solve through DTR (define the relationship). See also: problem, unsolvable.
Three: Null set. See also: imaginary number.
Geometry: Tall male plus short female does not equal 69.
Cosine: What two significant others should never do to a lease agreement.
Extra-large: An unnecessary purchase for the majority of the male population. See also: Magnum.
Positive correlation: The relationship between alcohol consumption and the relative attractiveness of a total stranger.
Experience theorems: Experience equals one plus one plus one, etc. Experience, however, also equals one times a large number. Does this mean that there are two types of experiences? Can both equations solve for the same total and still not mean the same thing? Are some numbers worth more than other numbers? Is a make-out worth less than a blow job? Is a boyfriend worth more than a rando? Maybe this is why I got a B+ in high school pre-calculus.
Median: Six-and-a-half inches, twelve-and-a-half minutes and 34B.
Mean: Not swallowing.
Two: The only number ever really worth calculating.
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