Heavenly Sexual Logic

I’m sure there are a significant number of people who think I’m going to hell. I am a sinner who writes about sin. I express no regrets. I never ask for forgiveness. With this in mind, I’m surprised there isn’t a group outside my door right now, praying for my eternally damned soul. Perhaps  I’ve already been written off as beyond saving.

I was raised Catholic. I am still Catholic, and I believe I’ve more than earned that designation. I went to Catholic school, received all the mandatory sacraments and recite several Hail Marys during takeoff every time I fly. Just to make things clear, Catholics don’t play around with the Sesame Street theology of eternal life through faith alone. Read Dante. You’ll see exactly how high we set the bar. Therefore, I believe that good people go to heaven and bad people to hell. I believe that bargaining with a higher power will help the Ravens convert on third and long. And I don’t believe that sex will be a sin that I’ll ever have to answer for at the pearly gates.

I’m not a biblical scholar. I can’t quote even a sentence of scripture. I know, however, the difference between right and wrong. Every religious rule worth following has always boiled down to peaceful and loving connections between human beings. Participating in sex is far more in keeping with this principle than condemning those who do.

Furthermore, though sex, particularly the casual breed, is often labeled as hedonistic, it is realistically one of the few times we actively consider the needs of other people. Decrying sex’s immorality goes against both earthly and heavenly logic. If you believe in God, you believe that mankind was not merely a cosmic accident. And so why would we be purposefully programmed to sin?

When judging sexual behavior, many seem to emphasize the nature of an act over the intentions behind it. This is the product of a mass mix-up between the immoral and the impolite.

For example, somewhere along the way, the missionary position has gained acceptance as the least sinful form of sex. Take a step back and this notion seems as wholeheartedly superstitious and misguided as human sacrifice. Don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t steal, don’t let a guy slam you unless he’s on top. Which one is not like the rest?  If I switch positions, ignore the laws of the taboo, do things that “nice girls” don’t do, do I offend your moral values or merely make you uncomfortable? Whether or not my decency is compromised doesn’t mean my beliefs are.

I add up every D-floor make-out, every walk of shame, every orgasm, and still, the sum is never offensive to me. At the end of the day, what keeps me up at night is the sight of my best friend’s face when she found out I kissed her boyfriend or the memory of the hook-up I regretfully tossed aside because another option looked shinier and better. The recollection of my more R-rated bedroom adventures, however, is always followed by a peaceful slumber. When it comes to sex, we may sin a thousand times in our intentions, but we should never beg forgiveness for our actions.