The Show Biz Bailout

 In a recession, what industries are the first to go under? Go-Kart tracks? Nope. Street performers? Keep guessing. Back-alley plastic surgery? Alright, stop. It’s the Business of Show that’s dying. Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson and Hugh Hefner. Wait, he’s not dead? He has three smoking new girlfriends? Lucky duck, he’d better thank God someone was able to step in and bail out his wrinkly flaccid body. In fact, a lot of celebrities should be thankful. They’ve been getting bailed out almost as often as citizens of Greenwich, Conn.

From the Backstreet Boys somehow going back on tour to Lindsay Lohan becoming the “artistic advisor” for Emanuel Ungaro, everyone is getting a bailout these days. Remember Eddie Griffin from Blue Streak? This guy now has eight kids and four baby-mamas—he’s “going for broke.” He’s the black version of Jon Gosselin.

Speaking of bad fathers, two more of them are getting an unjustified bailout. Mike Lohan—you’ll remember him as the father of the minimally talented, drug-addicted actress—and Joe Jackson—you’ll remember him as the father of the maximally talented, drug-addicted singer—are getting their own show. No word on a title yet. I hear they are stuck between Daddy Daycare and Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child. My vote was for I’m Gonna Beat the Childhood Out of You and Sell It For Cold Hard Cash. They said it was too long. 

In a time when the unemployed stay up chain-smoking Camels and drinking cheap whiskey under the glow of the TV, you’d think late night talk shows would be killing it. But late night has dropped off. Jay Leno should be counting his blessings, and NBC should be firing their program director. Let’s cancel a show because the host bombs nightly and then move him to primetime. Sounds like when I got kicked out of the Midvale School for the Mentally Disabled and got into Duke instead. Conan’s limping along with a crutch named Andy, and Jimmy Fallon is just awkward.

At least they aren’t creepy old men who sleep with their interns. Where do I begin with David Letterman? I’m not even sure he got a bailout per se, but he did get away with it. Men everywhere are wondering how he did it and didn’t get fired. If I’d known how, I’d have tried to sleep with my boss. Anything to get head in life. Excuse me, “ahead.” She was an absolute cougar. 

It even appears you can also screw up your life, kill some animals, go to jail and still get back on a good team. Plus, you can even retain your sponsors and the added bonus of your own TV show? Even Michael Vick gets a bailout. I’ve got no problem with dog fighting. When you have enough money for you and your friends to by fighter jets, you might “accidentally” barrel roll into a no-fly zone. Wait, they weren’t jets? They were dogs! Shucks!

I wouldn’t go see a dog fight in a million years! Even if I was in Cancun for spring break and accidentally got in a cab that took me to an underground dog fight where I won $437 on a bullmastiff named Vice. I would never do that, and you can be darn sure I wouldn’t go back the next night and win another $653, netting an even $1,100. Not me. Not in a million years. 

But the biggest bailout went to the King of Pol (Politics? MJ?). That’s right, when he couldn’t win the Olympics, Barack Obama replaced that gold medal with a shiny, swell Nobel Prize. For being “a good guy.” We lose the Olympics, Brobama wins a Nobel Peace Prize and, all the while, Michael Phelps was high as a kite.