The Celebrity Parent Problem

With Parents’ and Family Weekend having come and gone, it made me think: why didn’t my parents realize the mistake they had made and “accidently” leave the water running in the bath tub?

They did do something right by deciding not to become famous. Believe me they had a chance, too. We called our act The Aristocrats. But thank God my parents are not so foolish as to live for public approval. Celebrity parents are the worst.

When Heidi Klum had another baby with Seal, you had to think: girl named Lou? Who are you, Johnny Cash? Does this girl need a tough name? Her father’s chemical burns don’t speak for themselves? She’s going to be gorgeous, but with a name like Lou, she’s going to be that girl sitting under the slide giving kisses for a dollar, probably being pimped out buy the class clown who’s taking an 80-cent cut. Pimp is such a harsh word. I preferred young entrepreneur.

Heidi’s first kid was not with Seal, which brings up another superficially obnoxious social norm. Celebrities are the only people who can have kids out of wedlock without being considered easy, dumb and loose. “Long-time boyfriend?” That’s no excuse for getting knocked up. Just because you’re attractive, blond and blue-eyed doesn’t mean you can populate the earth as you please. We won that war, remember?  

It sounds like these guys have some commitment issues, which brings me to the current world’s worst dad: Jon Gosselin. This guy is actually a celebrity for being a bad parent. I was going to be make a Halloween joke that Kate Gosselin should go as Octomom, but Octomom made it too easy. She actually said she thinks Jon Gosselin is “hot.” I’m really rooting for them. I think this relationship can really happen, but I also thought I’d make Towerview’s Power 50.

It seems like once someone in your family becomes famous, you yourself become a sharted piece of dump. Exihbit A: the entire Lohan family. Mom is so blind to her washed-up, coked-out daughter Lindsay that she thinks it’s a good idea to have her nuture the younger daughter, Ali. That’s like when my family decided we wanted to enter our pup in the Westminster Dog Show, so we enrolled her at Michael Vick’s Canine Obedience Academy. 

At least Papa Lohan is doing the right thing by trying to get his daughter some help. He couldn’t be doing that for publicity, right? And I keep a shovel and a bag of lime in my car because I’m a big botanist. 

It could just be that the types of people who seek fame are just jaded tainted individuals to begin with. Just look at all the nut-jobs on Youtube desperately hoping their rendition of “Top 50 Ghetto Names” will be their big break. Good parents don’t use their kids for publicy by locking them in the attic and telling the world they took off in a research ballon. I’m surprised they didn’t attribute his on-screen vomiting escapades to air sickness.