Part-human creatures

I’ve had quite the vampire fetish for a while now. This was way before True Blood and Twilight, back when my favorite movie was/is Queen of the Damnned. Back when it was frowned upon to hang out at night in a low tree branch in the neighbor’s front yard waiting for their daughter Katie to get home from the mall. The most beautiful girl in the world, she tasted delicious, fruity with an earthy finish. I’d have to defend myself, claiming, “You just don’t get me,” while I picked some neck flesh out of my teeth.

But those days are gone. Sucking young women or men dry—whatever you’re into—has become so mainstream it’s not fun anymore. You can’t just take my fetish and turn it into pop culture. That’s not cool. I never did anything to you, at least nothing a little blood transfusion can’t take care of.

In an attempt to regain my individuality, here are some part-human creatures that I want to “make happen.”

Cyclops: As my cyclop-tic colleague informs me, these one-eyed giants haven’t been cool since The Odyssey. They need a breakout, Twilight-esque dramatic romance to really get things hot.

How about this? Sarah is your typical cyclops-next-door with curly brown hair and a big, beautiful brown eye. She is shy, often hiding her brown eye behind a dark veil. That was, until she met Harold, a Stop & Shop optometrist. She came in for a contact lens and, lifting up her veil, revealed her dark secret. A sucker for brown eye, Harold took one look at Sarah’s big, beautiful eye and wanted nothing else. The movie hits its climax when Harold accidently pokes Sarah’s brown eye. You’ll have to watch to find out how he nurses her brown eye back to health.

Minotaurs: For this upper-half human, lower-half bull (no, I’m not talking about myself), we need an HBO Original Series. I like the Southern twist on True Blood, but these minotaurs need something else: The Minotaurs of…Minnesota. They will all have accents like the mother from Bobby’s World. Anybody? “Oh fur tha lave of Pete, git ur hoooves aff tha taball.” Sarah Palin, you’re out of work aren’t you?

Ghosts: I’m not talking “I see dead people” ghosts. I’m thinking a kooky feel-gooder about a single mother and her daughter. After a drunk driver kills them both in a car accident, they are resurrected as ghosts. You’ll laugh and laugh as they go from house to house, looking for their murderer.

I’ve got Madonna as the mom. And with the way Lindsay Lohan’s been eating, we’ll just keep her out of the sun for a couple hours and she might even glow in the dark. Once this show takes off, everyone will be running around draped in white bed sheets. Wait. Maybe this is a terrible idea.