Brian Contratto took some time to talk to Christian comedy duo God's Pottery, asking them for their advice on hypotheticals (for his first interview, click here). God’s Pottery will be advice on the pressing issues young people face in college and beyond, this Saturday at Cat’s Cradle in Chapel Hill.
Claire is having trouble focusing in her schoolwork and is considering the use of a study drug like Adderall.
This is one of the new designer drugs. I can tell you right now she’s already in a very dangerous place. It’s a myth that many successful people do drugs. The fact is, a successful person by definition does not do drugs. You know how in baseball all the records are in question now because of the drugs they’re taking? It’s the same thing in academics. If you start poisoning the records with brain “juice” the whole system’s gonna collapse. If she wants to do a drug to stay awake, try a coca cola—even that’s a little edgy. Or celery with a little bit of honey.
Andrew wants to join a fraternity but is worried about their reputations for intense partying and hazing.
There’s nothing better than young men spending a lot of time together. Whether it’s team building, intramural sports, community service....But the truth about alcohol is that it too is a drug (and we’ve already covered that). This drug is especially dangerous though, because it’s in liquid form.
We’ve heard of some of these college students doing keg stands—at first we thought it was like a charity lemonade stand, where you give fifty cents to an orphanage.
The truth is, Brian, fraternities started with the monks and now it has devolved into these terrible parties with weird games, like “Who can hug Brenda the longest.” Avoid alcohol—we recommend tapping into the Keg of Christ. You can get super drunk on Christ, and that keg never runs out.
Kevin recently found out that his roommate Jordan is gay and doesn’t know what to do. Turns out, he can’t just throw him out of the room like he thought. What should he do?
Jordan might think he’s gay. Acually, he’s just lazy. He might say, “Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t do this, but I don’t have the energy to seek an anatomically appropriate wife partner, so I’ll just do it with Doug.” The trick is you need initiative.
As for [living together]—you can definitely be two guys living together, sharing a dorm room, even sharing a bunk bed. But that doesn’t mean you’re gay. Sometimes me and Jeremiah even share a bath towel.
Despite her best efforts to stay fit, Jessie is having a lot of trouble gaining weight in college. She wants to know, “Does God love fat people?”
God does love everyone. However, we do stress the importance of physical fitness and staying in shape. There is a myth about skinny people—that they are always the most popular. The truth is they’re only usually the most popular. There are some successful fat people, like Kathy Bates—we assume she knows the lord, since she is successful. In fact, that’s how she survived the Titanic. Her body fat helped her float.
David and Nancy have sex regularly, but Nancy has recently decided to change her ways. David is confused, and wants to know if there is such a thing as a born-again virgin.
We like to think born-again virgins are without sin—though their friends might still remember they used to do it all the time. Hopefully Nancy will be able to win David over to her side.
Both of us were already virgins but we decided to double up and become born-again virgins too.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.