All About Steve

Girl + Boy + 16.5 Genres and Permutated Cliches = Rom-Com.

The premise of All About Steve, written by Kim Barker (License to Wed) and directed by feature film first-timer Phil Traill, sounds suspiciously like one concocted by manatees.  Mary Horowitz (Sandra Bullock), an eccentric crossword puzzle designer, is convinced after one disastrous blind date that CNN cameraman Steve (Bradley Cooper) is her soulmate. Egged on by Steve’s friend and field reporter, Hartman (Thomas Haden Church), Mary chases Steve around the country as he reports on breaking news stories. That is, a group of deaf children falling into a mine, a three-legged baby whose predicament has sparked pro-leg and anti-leg protest groups and so forth. 

As it turns out, actually watching the film doesn’t help much either. Perhaps the hodgepodge storyline is embodied by Mary’s personal style—she lugs around a bright umbrella for much of the film, wears mismatching patterns, blathers and runs amuck, all the while sporting trademark red vinyl boots that are apparently some sort of plot device.

The goal is some variation of quirky, but lovable. Fail. The film bonks its audience over the head with trope after trope, only to paint its characters as unsympathetic caricatures. Hartman never actually has any coherent motivation for goading Mary to stalk Steve; his character exists solely to drive the narrative action. All the remaining supporting cast is equally undeveloped and un-entertaining. And poor, beautiful

Bradley Cooper! His winning ease and naturalistic style are completely misused, and the stilted, lame dialogue forced through his lips is confusing. Jokes fall flat all over the place, Bullock falls into a mine, but saddest of all, Cooper is thrown under the bus. 

Ultimately, our Mary becomes a national media sensation, prompting hundreds of misfit friends to hold a vigil around the mine site (bewilderingly meaningful music ensues). 2009, we have a new Gigli.