hannah montana: the movie

Earlier this year, I almost joined the "Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana for LDOC" Facebook group. After seeing Hannah Montana: The Movie, I am counting my good blessings that Ben Folds and Gym Class Heroes are coming instead. This movie made me feel like Dumbledore drinking out of the basin in the cave-I began with a little bit of pain, but by the end I just wanted the person next to me to put me out of my misery.

Hannah Montana, for those who apparently live under the same rock as I do, is a regular girl named Miley Stewart (in real life, Miley Cyrus, formerly Destiny Cyrus. Confusing? I know). She tries to live a normal life and the rock-star dream at the same time. After getting in a fight with Tyra Banks over a shoe, her father (Billy Ray Cyrus) takes her to Tennessee to reacquaint the starlet with the family's Southern roots: riding horses, tending to chicken coops and singing along with banjos. As soon as she lands in the Volunteer State, the doofiest-looking cowboy around (does Tennessee even have cowboys?) lassos her heart, and she must decide between being Hannah and just being Miley.

My only wish for this movie is that it had more songs so I wouldn't have had to watch such embarrassing acting for 98 minutes. That's not to say the songs were good-the only thing more piercing than Miley's voice is the dull acting. Although this movie pretends to be a musical, the songs are random and out of place. For example, right after Miley/Hannah makes her friend cry while at the girl's very own sweet 16, she joyfully sings "Let's Get Crazy." Crazy indeed.

The movie is a mish-mash of awful hip-hop-pop-country-rock songs. It's about, paradoxically, a girl not giving into Hollywood when she actually is making loads of money by professing down-to-Earth values. Therefore, if you are not a preteen or tween girl with a penchant for Disney shows, then stay away, no, climb on your horse and ride away from this movie.

My ears bled, my brain ached and my gut heaved as I endured keeping my eyes open. It hurt me worse than learning my dog died or that Pushing Daisies was cancelled. This movie had a happy ending yet it still made me nauseous.