People often ask me if I started writing this column because I thought I was an authority on good sex, filled with wisdom to bestow on clueless peers. In reality, my experiences at Duke have probably only made me an expert in awkward sexual encounters and stealthy morning escapes.
This column was actually the product of a pre-game that turned into a post-game and a lengthy trip down the path of bad freshman-year decision-making. Somewhere between a story about an uptight RA discovering a naked couple in the men's bathroom and a tale of being returned to the Southgate steps by a thoughtful Durhamite, the phrase, "Write a sex column" ended up on my dry-erase to-do list, right under "Buy more ketchup."
Now that my friends' drunken idea is a reality and I'm writing my last column of the semester, I have to quickly pass on the detritus of my brain, summing up the collective knowledge my friends and I, acquired through experience and witness, in a few sentences. It's not advice-just some things to think about.
Don't thank a girl for swallowing. This is weird. Plus, you don't want her to choke trying to say, "You're welcome."
The ride of shame from West to East is awkward.
The ride of shame from East to West is infinitely more awkward.
Having sex on the floor is hot. Until you get rug burn.
Having sex in a car is hot. Until you set off the alarm.
Having sex outside is hot. Until you get caught by campus police.
Always pay attention to where the Photo Specialties photographer is lurking. Being in lots of pictures makes you seem popular. Also, you don't want to get caught being felt up in the background of someone's otherwise benign picture.
On that note, Shooters dance floor candids should be made illegal.
Used condoms don't go in the recycling bin.
Or the back pocket of your khakis.
Or your floor. Especially if you have a dog.
Don't hook up after an "Anything but Clothes"-themed event unless you want tour groups to subtly photograph you as you walk home the next morning.
Don't leave a bottle of lotion and a tissue box next to your computer before you invite a girl over.
If you're trying to avoid future interactions with a past hook-up, don't forget your thong in his room.
Always assume the fraternity knows everything.
Never assume the sorority knows anything.
Friends don't let friends drink and text.
Switching dates at a date function will not go over as smoothly as you might think.
Peppermint schnapps is not an effective substitute for brushing your teeth.
Don't put Vanessa Carlton on your boning playlist.
Girls are little spoons. Boys are big spoons. The height of both parties is irrelevant. Case closed.
Don't assume your incriminating column will go unnoticed. Frat listservs exist for a reason.
Don't get a boyfriend while trying to write said column.
Never stay mad at someone you care about for too long. You don't want to end up like Ne-Yo.
Have a lot of sex. Or don't have any sex. Or end up in somewhere in between.
Have fun.
Happy summer. Careful on the beach...it's sandy.
Brooke Hartley is a Trinity sophomore. This is her last column of the semester.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.