This is the Life

We at recess were hyped and ready. Like screaming teenage girls in line for the opening of Twilight, we could hardly hold in our excitement. It was to be the biggest, most epic rap head-to-head release ever: Rick Ross vs. Jim Jones.

Unfortunately, Ross must have missed the memo we sent him, as he has pulled his new album, Deeper than Rap, because of an ongoing feud with 50 Cent. The feud, which sounds about as pathetic as when Miley Cyrus attacked Radiohead, has featured "Gay-Unit Workout" cartoons, Ross' baby mama exposing him as a former drug corrections officer. The controversy even dragged in Lil' Wayne and The Game, who, according to MTV.com, told Ross that "50 eating you, boy."

If this actually was an eating competition, Ross would clearly dominate. However in this case, Jones, whose new album Pray IV Reign actually dropped this week, serves as the manageable rap entree for Ross to scarf down. So, in a battle about as exciting as and short-lived as Missy Elliott on a diet, we present to you the utterly mediocre faceoff of Ross vs. Jones.

Jim Jones has fastidiously done his homework, but has plagiarized every assignment. On "Pull Me Back," Jones steals Dr. Dre's signature piano riff and slaps on a clichéd heart monitor sound, successfully flatlining whatever he was trying to keep alive. "This is for my b-s," where Jones serenades the women "all around the world," sounds strangely similar to Ludacris's "Pimpin' All Over the World."

The only bearable track on the album is "Pop Champagne", but only because of Ron Browz's beats and Juelz Santana's lyrics. Jones is so overshadowed, in fact, that the song may even sound best without him. Finally, Jones takes a bite out of Rick Ross himself, ripping Ross' signature statement on the track "How to Be a Boss." Unfortunately, he butchers every attempt to imitate his rap colleagues and ends up creating an album that is as horrendous as it is unoriginal.

From the leaked tracks of Deeper than Rap, Ross still sounds like the real boss of the two. However, Ross is only boss-like in his managerial style, continually relying on guest appearances for the album's talent and flow. "Magnificent" is unremarkable except for guest John Legend's smooth voice. "Get Down" has a simple, strong beat, but only comes to emphasize the Miami rapper's second-tier voice and lyricism. On "Mafia Music," the now infamous 50 Cent diss track, Ross provides a clean and impressive production but his sound hasn't changed at all from last year's Trilla,

Ultimately, Rick Ross wins this ludicrous battle of C-list rap albums of 2009. Advice for the two rappers? Jones, take the marbles out of your mouth and actually rap. Rick Ross, don't take a bite out of someone who can spit better than you. In a perfect world, the two of you would combine forces, stock up on champagne, board a yacht and drift off into hip-hop's Bermuda triangle.