Czar crazy

OBAMA WANTS YOUR MONEY!" the man was shouting from the right rear window of a red sedan. It was St. Patrick's Day in New York City and the revelry had momentarily turned into political criticism in the middle of 12th Avenue.

No, President Barack Obama doesn't really want my money. right? In celebration of St. Patrick's Day, maybe Obama plans to solve all of our economic woes by catching a leprechaun and sending it to Guantanamo for some "questioning" about hidden treasure. We elected hope-no one said that hope would be reasonable.

I would understand cultivating a shamrock garden, but why is Obama trying to reestablish the Russian royal line? Obama's kitchen cabinet is filled with czars! Oddly, the term refers to specific executive appointees who serve as directors of important policy matters. There's a czar of health, a czar of government performance, a czar of the economy, and the list goes on... Obama has appointed the most czars of any American president to date. It's an interesting executive nickname, especially because the U.S. is teetering on the brink of populist-fueled socialistic backlash. Does no one in government know the history of the czars? The last czar of Russia, Nicholas II of the Romanov family, wrecked his country's economy and military might, and he was overthrown during the October Revolution. Earlier this month, scientists used DNA evidence to show that the Bolsheviks really did destroy the last of the Russian imperial line-the Romanovs are gone for good. Will the American czars suffer a similar end in a storming of the West Wing?

But what if the czars do save the economy? Will we be forever indebted to Czar Paul Volcker for his role in saving the economy from ruin? Will we erect a monument to Czar Carol Browner for stemming the tide of global warming? And if Obama is the boss of the czars, does that make him Czar of Czars?

Where do the czars stop? Congress can't confirm or deny these appointments, so the president has a lot of leeway. If he appoints a czar for every crisis area, he may want to appoint a Czar of Reproduction. According to the Center for Disease Control, more teenage girls are becoming mothers and more children are born to unmarried mothers; in 2007, 39.7 percent of infants were born to unwed mothers. Sounds like a job for a czar!

Maybe we can have a media czar who makes sure that everything on T.V. and in print is of the highest journalistic quality, so that we are no longer lulled to sleep by the anchors of CNBC. The crusading Jon Stewart would be a great fit. The government could even intervene and bail out the dying newspapers. No one could argue that the government can't tell a newspaper it owns what to print. And, of course, news stories would be subject to new unparalleled standards.

How about a transportation czar to reduce inefficiencies in traffic? The czar could tell us when to drive, how much money to spend on gas or even which cars we should buy. Because the government could easily own the car manufacturers at this point too, this czar could tell Ford, GM and Chrysler what cars to make so we won't waste time producing superfluous vehicles. Even better, we could all drive the same car!

Or maybe the current health czar could be given powers to fix the health care system for good. The czar could get rid of the inefficiencies of the insurance companies, competing drug companies and medical suppliers. We can all buy into one national health plan, allowing the national health insurance company to remain profitable at a lower cost to consumers.