11:31 p.m. That's it for this marathon of a live blog. I am thoroughly exhausted. Who are the big winners tonight? Lil Wayne, Adele and anyone who stuck with me instead of switching to those snarky punks at The New York Times.
11:25 p.m. Green Day gets us ready for the final award of the night. That's 10 total awards in 214 minutes. Sweet. Raising Sand by Robert Plant and Allison Krauss wins for Album of the Year, as the Grammys assure themselves that no young person will care about this show for a long, long time. I would have even taken Coldplay here, which is saying a lot. Robert Plant describes this experience as "a good way to spend a Sunday." His speech is going on for so long that at one point, Krauss herself starts to clap her partner off stage. A fitting way to end this evening, as even the biggest winners are most concerned with just getting it over with. Stevie Wonder, without Jonas Brothers help, sings us off.
11:09 p.m. In the evening's most predictable moment, will.i.am takes his two minutes of air time to congratulate Obama. Enough already. Continuing the theme of Grammy performers turned Grammy winners, Lil Wayne wins Best Rap Album (natch). He definitely has the best acceptance so far. After winning, Weezy joyously lifts T-Pain into the air. He is then joined on stage by seven of his closest friends and family. His acceptance speech reads: "I just want to say thank God, thank New Orleans, thank the people you see up here and thank you." No Weezy, thank you.
11:07 p.m. Lil Wayne, Allen Touissant and Robin Thicke perform "Tie My Hands". It's nice, but we can all agree that "Lollipop" would have made it much juicier for us. Lil Wayne says that "this one is for New Orleans." All right, I'll say it; is it still okay to dedicate songs to New Orleans? I mean, Katrina was in 2005. This is 2009, making tonight the 4th post-Katrina Grammys. I'm just saying. I mean, isn't there a new tragedy that we can be honoring? You know, like the downfall of Chris Brown?
10:48 p.m. Neil Diamond delivers his classic almost talking/ almost singing performance of "Sweet Caroline." He is wearing a jacket that seems to have been dipped in glitter (I guess this is becoming a popular trend. Justin Timberlake wore a similar piece earlier). The best part is looking at the young people who they get to fill the first few rows to go crazy during more relevant performances. These kids look totally confused. They are clapping offbeat, awkwardly waving their hands. One guy even looks directly at the camera desperately looking for some direction. Most of these people probably only know Neil Diamond as "the guy my parents made me listen to when I wanted to score some free booze from them."
10:31 p.m. Samuel Jackson introduces Justin Timberlake and T.I. by saying that "one of these guys is my really good friend." To everyone's surprise, it's Justin Timberlake and not T.I. In an effort to protect his street cred, T.I. has changed out of his tuxedo into an all black outfit for this "Dead and Gone" performance, complete with a crooked ski hat that makes him look like an idiot. T.I. ends the song by saying, "Adversity builds character. Character will take you places money can't." Yeah, and unlincensed machine guns in your Escalade will take you directly to jail.
10:23 p.m. So apparently The New York Times blog brought their A game: "Being the coolest college marching band is like being the world's tallest midget. But USC has earned it." Touche, New York Times, touche.
10:19 p.m. Radiohead performs "15 Step" alongside the USC marching band. It's a great performance, but I struggle with understanding whether this appearance makes The Grammys cooler or Radiohead more lame. Anyways, I have my first big conspiracy theory of the night. After hearing that Chris Brown would miss the show because he was being investigated for assault (an assault that may have been on Rihanna), the Grammys decided that he would not win either of his two nominations so as to not draw more attention to his absence. He was already robbed once after not winning for "No Air." Of course, I have no way of proving this, but you have to admit that it is definitely possible.
10:06 p.m. Professional singer and boy toy John Mayer wins Best Male Pop Vocal for "Say." I am not wowed by the pick, but it does save us a Jason Mraz Grammy. Fellow nominee Kid Rock consoles himself by drinking whiskey on national television.
10:01 p.m. Dave Grohl joins Paul McCartney for a performance of "Saw Her Standing There." This thing was way overhyped. No one in this room is sure just what instrument Paul McCartney is playing. Of course, he receives a standing ovation because he is Paul McCartney, and not giving him one is like reading The New York Times Grammy blog: unacceptable. Those liberal fools describe the "Swagga Like Us" performance as "not an affectionate collaboration, just slick business." I guess the Haterade flows deep in New York.
9:49 p.m. Queen Latifah introduces "The Rap Pack," featuring the performance of "Swagga Like Us." T.I., Kanye, Jay-Z and Lil Wayne all don tuxedos while MIA looks like Yoshi. The screen goes to black and white to honor The Rat Pack theme. It's easily the most impressive performance of the night. I didn't think there would be room for these egos on stage, but I stand corrected. Each rapper looks like they are honestly enjoying this. They all crowd around the guy who is currently rapping and finish his lines for him. MIA brushes dirt off Jay-Z's shoulder. This is why there is still hope for The Grammys. Sadly, the camera cuts to T-Pain, who probably just thought to himself, "I wished we could have put some Autotune on this thing."
9:42 p.m. Allison Krauss and Robert Plant win Best Record for Please Read This Letter. The hipsters at Stereogum must be going crazy. Unfortunately, we are denied an opportunity to see a totally preggers MIA. Also, we have our second awkward acceptance speech of the night! Robert Plant at first refuses to talk, saying "it's time we heard from someone else for a while." Eventually, he gives a very forced and brief acceptance.
9:29 p.m. Kanye West, sporting an outfit and hairdo that honor Michael Jackson, joins Estelle to perform "American Boy." Again, I am unimpressed by their performance. Not a lot of creativity. But Kanye delivers his first shot at the Grammys! In introducing the Best New Artist award, Kanye says "This award has gone to the likes of Bob Newhart and John Legend, but somehow to neither [me or Estelle]." We definitely should have seen this coming. By the way, the well-deserved Adele wins for Best New Artist. I had the Jonas Brothers because I have no faith in The Grammys.
9:24 p.m. Craig Ferguson introduces the "beautifully bicurious" Katy Perry. She descends in a giant banana. Insert phallic joke here. Her fruit-themed dress leaves little to the imagination. She is surrounded by women in white suits all furiously shaking their chests. She does not sound very good, but then again she never really did. All in all, this is an underwhelming performance. Perry really wasted a golden opportunity here. Of course, the camera cuts to the Jonas Brothers, who all have that "Is this what an erection feels like?" look on their faces. Classic.
9:16 p.m. Blink 182 announces they are getting back together. I think they were expecting more applause and excitement. Coldplay undeservedly wins Best Rock Album, prompting Chris Martin to say that Coldplay is not hard rock but rather more like "limestone rock." Ugh.
9:13 p.m. Stevie Wonder sings the chorus to "Burnin' Up" while a Jonas Brother plays the bongo. This is officially the most ridiculous moment of the Grammys, and I doubt it will be topped. They then bust into a nice rendition of "Superstition." "I think it would be more appropriate for them to perform "Ebony and Ivory,"" remarks a friend. True. Based on this performance, my favorite Jonas Brother is Kevin. He is really wailing on that guitar. I don't like Joe Jonas though. He seems like a tool. Come on, Taylor Swift, you can do better.
9:08 p.m. The biggest news so far comes from Yahoo, which writes that Chris Brown and Rihanna are not attending the Grammys because Brown is under investigation for assault. I want to reserve my judgment on this issue until more facts arise. On a lighter note, it's time for a Jonas Brothers performance with Stevie Wonder!
8:56 p.m. It's time for the historic Cyrus/Swift performance, with Swift singing on acoustic guitar and Miley ...just singing. They are performing the way too appropriate "Fifteen." Legally, I can only discuss how good the 19-year old Swift looks, but you know that everything I say about Swift also applies to her country counterpart. Miley is really giving it her all on these vocals and I might sense a little bit of resentment in Taylor. Her look says "Hey, I'm actually playing an instrument here! You could at least grab a tambourine or something." Most importantly, Miley calls Taylor her "best friend," but Taylor does not reciprocate. She just says "thank you." Looks like we got ourselves a good old fashioned cat fight. This is awesome. Robert Plant and Allison Krauss rob Chris Brown and Jordin Sparks for best Pop Collaboration. Bleh.
8:43 p.m. Chick anthem "Love Song" gets robbed for Best Song of the Year to Coldplay's "Viva La Vida." My perfect game is over early. I probably should have seen this coming with Coldplay's performance of the song ten minutes earlier. My managing editor totally nails their Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club tribute. Nice job, Bad Man.
8:35 p.m. Sugarland wins for Best Country Performance for a Duo or Group. This means that I am now 2 for 2 on Grammy predictions (I liked their name). And we have our first awkward acceptance speech! "'I'm freakin' out!" admits the blond lady from Sugarland. She also thanks Paul McCartney for the award, although I bet McCartney is like me: he has no idea who this lady is.
8:26 p.m. The suave guy from Devil Wears Prada introduces Coldplay (sans Joe Satriani). Jay-Z comes on for a surprise performance with Chris Martin on the piano. We may have just witnessed the most exciting part of the Grammys (excluding the inevitable Swfit/Cyrus kiss). After Jigga concludes his verse, the rest of Coldplay emerges to play the predictable "Viva La Vida." In 20 minutes, Grammy viewers have seen both U2 and Coldplay make their convincing cases for Most Over The Top Act.
8:18 p.m. My managing editor informs me that Lil Wayne has already won three Grammys. Knowing this, I am upping the over/under of Weezy Grammys to six. I am still taking the over. Thanks to Wikipedia, I also just learned that Taylor Swift has launched a campaign to protect children from online predators. Way to take on a controversial issue, Taylor.
8:12 p.m. First it was Stereogum, now The New York Times is even live-blogging the Grammys. I am not intimidated. Also, I think Justin Timberlake talks about growing up in Memphis, but I cannot hear him because his outifit is too loud.
8:07 p.m.: Jennifer Hudson wins best R&B album, which is probably a good call. I am not going to make any jokes here. Well, maybe one: judging by her dress, Hudson will be celebrating with a plate of ribs.
8:04 p.m.: U2 welcomes us by plugging their new album with "Get On Your Boots!" Bono sings, "I got a submarine./ You got gasoline./ I don't want to hear about wars between nations." Apparently, U2 still has stuff to whine about even though Barack is President.
7:55 p.m.: Welcome to the 51st annual Grammy Awards. We are coming to you live from Belmont 7107. We just finished the Pro Bowl, which allowed me to make this neat analogy.
Pro Bowl: Football :: Grammys: Music
First, some early wagers. I am setting the over under for Lil Wayne Grammys at 4, awkward acceptance speeches at 8 and Katy Perry exposed breasts at .5. For the record, I am going over, under and (hopefully) over.
Finally, it seems that the Grammys have their own Twitter here. I know that Twitter is not supposed to offer much valuable information, but this is getting ridiculous.
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