How to fix Duke parking in one fell swoop

I’ve done it.  I figured out how to fix our Duke parking woes.  It’s really simple, and I know you're all going to be kicking yourselves for not realizing it sooner.  In fact, the solution is so obvious, I just can't believe it hasn't already been done:

Ban Mini Coopers and VW Beetles from campus.

Confused?  Well, it’s really simple actually.  You see, I was thinking about the complaints brought against the Duke parking system, and I realized all of them would be no more if we just resigned ourselves to the fact that we have to make that long trek from the back of the Blue Zone, and that’s just the way it has to be.  You see our problem is hope.   If we had no hope, we would have nothing to yearn for with our many complaints.

This is where the ban of Mini Coopers and VW Beetles comes in. I never realized just how big of a menace these tiny vehicles were until I got a car down here this past semester.  It only took a few laps around the Blue Zone for me to encounter a problem I think anyone who has had to park there faces; it’s a problem I’ve named The Subcompact Providing False Hope That There Is An Open Spot Near the Front of The Blue Zone When Really There Isn’t Conundrum.

I think the title is pretty self-explanatory.  We’ve all experienced it.  You’re cruising around the Blue Zone, and you think you see a really awesome spot near the front of the first lot!  You race up to it, start to turn your wheel, and instead of an open space you find an obnoxiously adorable Mini Cooper.

For that one-second you thought there was a spot there, life was great.  You daydream about how this could lead to bigger things, if you can get a good parking space, maybe you can get that 'A' in Econ, maybe you can land that internship at JP Morgan, and maybe you’ll even get the girl.  But no… when that tiny menace that is the VW Beetle enters your sight, it simultaneously runs over all your dreams.  In short, Mini Coopers and VW Beetles are nothing but parking space teases.

Now admittedly getting rid of all of the gas guzzling behemoths that block the Mini Coopers from sight would also get the job done, but pardon me if I take my anger out on these little devils.

In all reality, I think there are some logistical changes that could make Duke parking less of an irritant for most people, like building a new parking garage. But although I hate the walk to the back of the Blue Zone as much as anyone else, do we really want another huge parking garage? It's tough to build a parking deck that wouldn’t be an eyesore on our otherwise beautiful campus, and Duke really doesn’t have the money to be doing that anyway.