Looking back on 2009

This time of year, anyone can write a retrospective of 2008, but what's the fun in that? You already know what happened. While everyone else bores you by rehashing the events of the previous year, your fearless columnist will give you the very first retrospective of the upcoming year.

The year 2009 was, perhaps, the rockiest in Wall Street history. Despite bailouts of the financial sector, the auto industry, states, cities, several major newspapers, Ben and Jerry's, Krispy Kreme, Crocs, the butchers, the bakers, the candlestick makers, Cook Out, the tobacco companies, UNC and Jon Stewart, the stock market lost most of its remaining value, as investors turned to more stable investments, such as gold, Treasury bonds and hoarding cans of soup. The lousy market left New Yorkers even more depressed than the Mets' announced move to Las Vegas did, and is a major reason why Mayor Mike Bloomberg's bid for an unprecedented third term ended in a loss to Hank Steinbrenner. New Dubai (formerly Michigan) fared even worse; after the bailout failed to keep the auto companies on the road, it was sold to a group of Middle Eastern sheiks. Michael Moore announced plans to make a documentary about his home state's plight, but had to cancel when he realized there aren't any Republicans in power anymore and he'd have to mock the Democrats this time.

Naturally, this made life difficult for the Obama administration, whose approval rating took quite a beating after Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's husband attempted to seduce Queen Elizabeth II. By year's end, the nation's most popular politician was Arnold Schwarzenegger, who calmed California's furor over gay marriage with his immortal statement, "I believe that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman." Sarah Palin, continuing her quest to avoid the spotlight and focus on Alaska, was named Duke's 2010 commencement speaker, which fueled speculation concerning a Palin-Munger fusion ticket in 2012.

K-ville was struck by tragedy when the Blizzard of 2009 occurred during personal checks and, despite the claims of some, Natty Light didn't cure hypothermia. Duke basketball won the ACC title after a bird flew into Tyler Hansbrough's mouth in February, leaving him unable to play the rest of the season, and we made it to the Elite Eight. The most exciting sport at Duke, though, was football. The ACC made history this year when every single team led the conference for one week. Duke finished the season on top, and was scheduled to meet Ball State in the Fiesta Bowl. At year's end, Coach David Cutcliffe announced the hiring of former Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis as his offensive coordinator, generating great optimism about the future of Duke Dining Services.

"Lost" fans had both good news and bad news in 2009. The secret behind the show's mysterious plot was revealed; unfortunately, this occurred when the show's writers were arrested for possession and use of "magic" mushrooms. Amy Winehouse sobered up and became a leading figure in the environmentalist movement, dating Leonardo DiCaprio and hosting endangered birds in her hair. Madonna's love of New York sports figures continued to get her in trouble even after her marriage to Alex Rodriguez. After New York Jets first-round draft pick Michael Tauiliili spurned her advances, she moved in with newly hired Staten Island Community College football coach Rich Rodriguez, claiming she got him confused with Alex. The biggest hits of 2009 were the new Star Trek and Sasha Baron Cohen movies and Dancing With the Stars, which pitted Brett Favre against Dick Cheney in the finale.

Fortunately, the situation in Iraq continued to improve in 2009; unfortunately, it improved so much that your job was outsourced there. The global economic crunch threatened several countries' currencies; Japan devalued the Pokemon card and the European Union held an emergency summit to make the Euro less funny-looking. Samoa managed to stay out of the headlines for another year. Neither global warming nor the Large Hadron Collider threatened the existence of Earth in 2009, but when Somali pirates hijacked a ship loaded with pirated DVDs of Pirates of the Caribbean, scientists warned that it could suck the planet into a black hole of irony.

Jeff Ditzler is a Trinity senior. This is his last column of the semester.