Calling all columnists

Dear Intrepid Duke Students,

I trust your holiday breaks have been restful so far.  Normally, I don't work during the holiday season, but the state of Illinois, Duke University and the nation need me.

Now that my true identity has been revealed, it has come to my attention that I can no longer serve in my duties as your Monday Monday.  Because of this inconvenient truth, I have decided that I will sell the position to the highest bidder.  My good friend Rahm Emanuel has already furnished me with a generous list of names of people who might serve quite well in this capacity and I am considering them all seriously and equally.  Also, if forced, I will attempt to bend the rules a little and return to the position myself.  After all, it wouldn't be the first time, right?!  Ha ha... ok, I apologize... that was out of line.

The bottom line is that I will be entertaining all options in this matter.  I will work with our president-elect and my financial advisors to make the best decision in this matter and appoint someone in whose abilities I have full confidence.  Please call me immediately if you are interested in making a bid.  Or, if you prefer to use the "Internet," please email me and put "Open Monday Monday Position—WILL PAY CASH" in the subject line.

I urge all of you to think about the great difference you can make for our nation if you purchase this position.  Remember, the holiday season is a time for giving, so please, open up your hearts and your checkbooks in order to benefit yourself and others.

Yours Truly,

The Chairman