Ding-dong the Dow is down

Once upon a time in Durham, there was an innocent Duke student named Janet. She wished upon a star, her troubles melting like lemon drops. But though the world was a hopeless jumble, heaven didn't open a magic rainbow lane to post-graduate employment. So Janet followed the purchased-on-credit brick road wearing the Jimmy Choo patent pumps of conspicuous spending to plead for full-time benefits from the magical Wizard of Bailouts. But who should she meet on the way to the Deficit City, but the Evil Employer of the East currently NOT HIRING...

(Janet)

Oh, I'm a failure, because I haven't got a job.

(Evil Employer)

Well, what would you do with a job if you had one?

(Janet)

Do? Why if I had a job...

Music diddy commences.

Say, have you got a medical coverage plan?

If I only had a job...

I'd ensure you got your coffee,

Skim venti extra hot no whip with a shot of toffee,

To ease your morning throb.

(Evil Employer)

Have you heard it's a recession?

Best invest in treatin' depression,

Ain't no way you're getting a job.

(Janet)

Oh, please, review my skills,

Take my glorious re-su-me,

Did I mention a near-perfect GPA?

Shall I write a thoughtful essay?

I won't be like lazy interns,

Won't go bust on you like Bear Stearns,

I've got assets like Charles Schwab.

Start me on competitive pay,

Put some money in my 401k.

If I only had a job.

(Evil Employer)

Cackles

So sha-a-a-ll I remind you why

Unemployment is really high...

(Janet)

Say subprime again and I'll poke out my eye.

(Evil Employer)

760,000 jobs gone in a glance-

A position for you? Not a chance!

Evil Employer vanishes without a bang due to Japanese hybrid broomstick.

(Janet)

Had enough of Fannie and Freddie,

Lehman's dunzo, soon goes Stanley

Keep outsourcing to Punjab,

Autos needin' work under the hood,

Pack up and move to Hollywood!

If I only had a job.

Evil Employer writes (in vapor) on the sky:

Fine, you're bidding school adieu,

Want an informational interview?

(Janet)

Wait around for HR to call?

There's more hope at a hiring hall...

Janet liquidates cackling Evil Employer and scoops up a measly $59.

Sure I've got Duke education,

Doesn't mean a choice vocation,

That's why each night I sob,

Someone serve up Bush's lame duck,

Let's get fixin' fiscal cluster-er...-muck,

If I only had a job.

(The Counterproductive Career Counselor)

Have you applied to be a professional bum-

Sleep on a friend's couch for a wee sum?

(Janet)

Yes, but the position has been filled

By another bum friend, more unskilled...

(The Aged Alumni)

Then consider applying to law school,

Buy three years and learn exclusionary rule.

(Janet)

One more class I dare not cope,

Won't be visiting the slippery slope.

(The Perturbed Parents)

Do you want a brand new iMac?

We'll pay the bill if you go post bac...

(Janet)

Health care job growth-flee the labor pool,

I'll need Medicare by the end of med school!

(The Ripped Recruiter)

Training, benefits, can't go wrong,

Join the army, live army strong.

(Janet)

Government coverage is so sweet,

Shall I put this on my Twitter tweet?

I'd be clever, I'd be able

I'd rule the conference table,

But I'm no occupational snob.

I'd sell the newspaper, the magazine

Be your deviation from the statistical mean,

Be a master of the Xerox machine,

Be on top of your executive routine,

If I only had a job.

Dramatic pause

Somewhere beyond campus, people love the work they do,

I hope the dreams that I dare to dream

Really do come true.

Janet the Everystudent Wu is a Trinity senior. Her column runs every other Friday.