The 9 people you meet at Thanksgiving

Another holiday season is upon us. I believe one of the great appeals of this time of year is its comforting predictability: We watch the same specials on TV, hear the same carols, see the same Christmas light displays, get sued by the same ACLU for displaying the same nativity scene on the same public property, and above all, visit the same relatives. It's been a while since you've seen them last, though, so here's a handy guide to what you can expect over the next few weeks.

First, there's the Bandwagon Sports Fan. This year, he'll be completely decked out in Philadelphia Phillies gear, despite not being able to find Philadelphia on a map last year. He's a huge Kansas basketball fan now, so you can at least bash Roy Williams together. Whatever you do, don't ask him about what happened to his Patriots loyalty after the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl; after all, you want conversation with him to be more fun than conversation with the Stock Market Victim (formerly your rich stockbroker uncle).

For less enlightening conversation, you can always turn to the Conspiracy Theorist, the Jokester or the Do-Gooder. The Do-Gooder, most likely, is just back from spending a year in Kenya helping Aromatherapists Without Borders, conducting field research on the Malaysian Three-Toed Foul-Smelling Varmint or campaigning door-to-door in some obscure Michigan county for Obama. Her peppy enthusiasm is a nice contrast to the Conspiracy Theorist, who still has a Ron Paul bumper sticker on his car and is looking for someone to explain his theory about how China can destroy the world economy and enslave us all by buying up the national debt and investing it in Freemason-owned banks. Just remember, he's urging you to buy a rifle and start hoarding food because he loves you. After that, you'll be glad to stop in with the Jokester and hear the same joke he's told you every year since you were six.

Then there's your doppelganger, the Slacker. Growing up, he always out-achieved you. He became an Eagle Scout; you quit the Boy Scouts after getting poison sumac over 90 percent of your body at a campout. He was valedictorian of his high school class; you got a C in eleventh-grade woodshop. Now, the roles are reversed, as he dropped out of college after failing to wake up before two in the afternoon at any point his first semester. His future is too hazy for comfort, while the Fiancee's future is too settled. She already has her husband picked out, and is busily dreaming of a wonderful future with him. The only problems are that her knight in shining armor couldn't hold a job if it had handles and his only marketable skill is his ability to belch the Canadian national anthem. The rest of the family is already practicing their fake smiles for the wedding.

The two queens of Thanksgiving (and Christmas, Hanukkah, Eid al-Fitr, Boxing Day, etc.) are the Hostess and the Keeper of the Flame. The Hostess is in charge of the shindig, and her self-esteem is caught up in its success. Watch what you say around her; if you don't absolutely love her cranberry sauce, she'll cry herself to sleep every night between now and New Year's Day. The Keeper of the Flame is elderly, usually female and was born in whatever small town or foreign country your family traces its roots to. She is conflicted when it comes to you; on the one hand, she wants you to get married ASAP (yesterday would be a good time), but on the other hand, she wants you to wait for a nice (insert your ethnic group here) boy/girl.

As another long semester winds down (and we are, of course, all still at Duke the Tuesday before Thanksgiving), it's time for the annual facing of our extended families. I hope this guide comes in handy, and if you bring some extra pumpkin pie back with you, please remember to share it with your favorite columnist.

Jeff Ditzler is a Trinity senior. His column runs every other Tuesday.