Alaska - In an effort to address concerns over her controversial environmental record and to "increase [her] experience in foreign relations," Republican Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin recently agreed to sit down with longtime critic and conservationist, Polar Bear. The governor graciously agreed to meet Bear in her natural habitat and favorite ice patch, now an unprecedented 200-mile paddle into the Beaufort Sea, with the stipulation that Palin be permitted to bring her trusty 7 mm Remington Magnum in case the interspecies tension "escalated." The following is a transcript of their conversation:
PALIN: Nice to meetcha. Hey, can I call you Bear?
POLAR BEAR: If you don't mind, Gov. Palin, I would prefer Polar Bear lest you overlook my species' dependence on an arctic ecological niche steadily declining in the face of global warming.
PALIN: Oh gee, I sense some finger pointin'! Or, I guess it would be paw pointin' since God didn't give you fingers...
POLAR BEAR: Moving on, you believe polar bears should not be listed under the Endangered Species Act even though federal scientists and Alaska's own Fish and Wildlife Service predict the near eradication of our species with increased melting of sea ice. Why?
PALIN: Could you repeat the question? I thought I saw Putin rearin' his head over that ice block.
POLAR BEAR: Why a lawsuit over the polar bear ESA listing?
PALIN: You know, Bear, it's about shorin' up our economy and the decreasin' our dependence on the foreign oil so the economy hurtin' is fundamentally less and we reform the financial crisis, the bailout being-and really it's about job creation and tax relief and as governor and mayor and mother and maverick and Alaska and I'm going to talk straight to the American people and say that when Senator McCain and I are elected, it's time for change.
POLAR BEAR scratches fuzzy head.
POLAR BEAR: I'm going to guess what you're saying is that in lieu of creating a long term domestic job market and sustainable infrastructure that promotes technological innovation in renewable energies, you want to and I quote, "drill baby drill"?
PALIN: I'm gonna have to get back to ya on that. But people sure love that darn chant. God bless America.
POLAR BEAR: Governor Palin, do you realize that the increasing temperature of the maritime border you incessantly reference is disrupting the stability of a delicate ecosystem? Do you realize that the issue is a miniscule piece in a greater crisis that extends beyond Alaskan borders-that according to the International Union for the Conservation of Nature, 1,141 of the 5,487 identified mammalian species are today threatened, 188 of which face extinction. Do you really think the "cyclical temperature changes on our planet" are to blame, or might you actually acknowledge that humans have some accountability-that your economic priorities and political deregulations are paradigmatic? Gov. Palin, do you realize that the oil industry is a top contributor to the worldwide air emissions you propose to reduce, that you can't be a champion of oil drilling and "cleaning up this planet" without some trace of hypocrisy?
PALIN: Wait just a minute, bears don't talk.
POLAR BEAR: Let me translate: You know that goofy little animation in "An Inconvenient Truth" that shows a polar bear swimming and swimming and dying of exhaustion because she can't reach a solid block of sea ice? Who does that remind you of?
PALIN: You know, I have a very diverse family and group of friends. And a very dear friend of mine-and might I add, one of your species-always used to say, "A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise."
POLAR BEAR: I believe you just quoted Winnie the Pooh.
PALIN: No fair, Polar Bear! Gosh darn it; you bears all know each other dontcha?
POLAR BEAR: Gov. Palin, you claim my listing is the "wrong way to get to the right answer" for the climate change issue. We both know that my adorable furriness-like your folksiness-is the most effective method of accessing Middle America on conservation policies.
PALIN: You know, for a bear you use long, difficult words whereas I prefer words such as "Joe" and "Maverick" and "Betcha." Also, did you know FDR was my ninth cousin once removed?
POLAR BEAR: One final question: You claim drilling in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge is safe and belittle Sen. Obama's analogizing it to "raping the outer continental shelf." But look at Prudhoe Bay after decades of oil development; look at the errors of Exxon Valdez or Phillips-can you personally guarantee that this massive industrialization of an untouched ecosystem will be, as you say, environmentally friendly? Can you describe to me in detail the mechanism by which you will safely puncture the Earth's surface?
PALIN: Well, let's see here. If you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake, and I have a straw. There it is, that's a straw, you see? You watching? And my straw reaches acroooooooss the room, and starts to drink your milkshake... I... drink... your... milkshake!
POLAR BEAR: I didn't want to resort to this, but since you reject all legitimate evidence: I'm a fluffy wuffy ball of fur and Leonardo DiCaprio loves me. Pwetty pease put me on the list.
PALIN: Gee, I'm still feeling a bit chilly.
POLAR BEAR attempts to eat PALIN.
End transcript
Janet Wu is a Trinity senior. Her column runs every other Friday.
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