Some chances only come around once in a lifetime.
For instance, when I was offered the opportunity to write about Pirates II: Stagnetti's Revenge for The Chronicle, I pounced on it. When else could I review the sequel to the highest-budgeted adult film of all time? Probably never. So, with the excuse of contributing to the "Tower of Campus Thought and Action," I watched porn all week long. Volume up, door open. Research. Science. Journalism.
What can I say about this brilliant, groundbreaking film? For one, fans of the original will not be disappointed with the second installment. Our lustful Don Quixote, Captain Edward (Evan Stone, who once again rises to the occasion), returns for another swashbuckling quest with plenty of breaks for, well, "raiding booty."
First-time viewers may be shocked by the abrupt transitions from literal to metaphorical swords, as things move from swashbuckling to cum-guzzling quite quickly. Just as we become moderately interested in Edward's pirate-hunting adventure, we are thrust into the middle of a choreographed amalgamation of genitalia.
Filmmakers, in need of a plot to tie together such magnificent sex scenes, settle on an oversimplified dichotomy of good versus evil, as Captain Edward battles the wickedly voluptious Xifeng. The result is a hackneyed, confusing story, sure to lose both interest and erections.
But, from these failed attempts at a storyline, the directors of Stagnetti's Revenge end up mocking our traditional ideas of right and wrong. If the film taught me one thing, it's this: no matter how moral we pretend to be, we are merely animals struggling from one sweaty, hedonistic escapade to the next. Is life really so meaningless? It just might be.
Nineteenth-century German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche did not write the script for Stagnetti's Revenge. However, he might as well have. Nietzsche, in his aptly-titled work Beyond Good and Evil, advocates throwing out what we would call "traditional" morality and investigating what's right and wrong for ourselves. This implies, among other things, that those not yet indoctrinated by modern society may offer the clearest ethical principles.
Case in point, seven-year-old Latarian Milton (trust me; YouTube him). Young Latarian may have uttered the most concise statement on morality ever. After stealing and wrecking his grandmother's car (all while smoking cigarettes), Latarian explained to reporters, "it's fun. Fun to do bad things."
So simple. So to the point. Indeed, it is fun to do bad things.
The same lesson can be taken from Stagnetti's Revenge. While Edward never questions the moral worth of his mission, he is at the same time always ready to knock boots (in more ways than one) whenever the opportunity presents itself. He knows that it's fun to do bad things, but, more importantly, that doing bad things (e.g., premarital orgies) does not contradict his otherwise heroic intentions of cleaning the seas of clergy-killing pirates.
In this world of infant delinquents and multimillion-dollar budget pornos, let's stop kidding ourselves. It's fun to do bad things. Watch porn. Volume up, door open.
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