The cruelest months

There is no song of the summer 2008. Panic accordingly.

This time last year, just after you grew tired of cranking dat Soulja Boy and outlining all the reasons as to why you were hot (but before you were sick of asking people how their summers went), you knew precisely what you wanted to hear. The party reached an eerie calm as our favorite Barbadian singer belted "You have my heart/And we'll never be worlds apart." Two or three Jay-Z verses later, and you were in love. Yes, "Umbrella-ella-ella (ey ey)" was the song of summer 2007. It was unavoidable. And it was fantastic. In 2006, we were "Crazy". Before that, we were all "Hollaback Girls".

Yet, 2008, with all its promise and intrigue, has given us no undisputed champion of the charts. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of contenders. But, like the eternal disappointment Eight Belles, each faded just when things were getting serious. Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl," while steamy, set the feminist movement back to 1882 and raised serious questions regarding the legitimacy of women's suffrage in this major election year. Li'l Wayne's "Lollipop" was heavy on the sexual innuendo but light on appeal to the ignorant-white-female-12-to-16 demographic. The Jonas Brothers had the opposite problem: a hit amongst tweens, but sure to put a damper on your Cristal-popping festivities. As for Miley, any hopes for "7 Things" were dashed by Billy Ray's poor parenting (we're looking at you Annie Leibowitz, you perv). Finally, after his well-publicized Bonnaroo snafu, the public (or squid-brains) SIMPLY WASN'T READY FOR ANOTHER KANYE WEST SMASH HIT!!!

The lack of a song of the summer only reveals that we live in a nation decentralized by the internet. We used to be able to rely on the mass media (thank you, Clear Channel Radio) force-feeding us some over-synthesized, erotic club anthem, complete with flashy music videos. But no more. Things done changed.

You see, America has long been known as a melting pot of sorts. Yet, that diverse pot was always unified by a Bouillabaisse of pop music.

And that is why we turn to our pop stars of the country. These soldiers of the synthesizer need to save the American public from our internet-obsessed, Pitchfork-loving selves. The American people yearn for a song of the summer as a gentle reminder that we can all collectively obsess over some catchy single before eventually growing sick of their sound, pronouncing them lame and then fondly reminiscing about it on VH1's "I Love the New Millennium". You might like LCD Soundsystem while I enjoy Justice, but at least we all know the words to "Golddigger."

Having no official song of the summer launches us into some form of post-modern wasteland of pop culture. To hell with April, June to August are now officially the cruelest months.

-Jordan Axt