Mariah Carey

Kissing Ali Locker the summer after sixth grade. Beating Mario Golf. My Bar Mitzvah. The first time I saw Mariah Carey on a tire swing in the "Always Be My Baby" video.

In no particular order, these are the moments that defined my childhood. This is precisely why I so eagerly anticipated the release of Mariah Carey's eleventh album, the kind-of-cleverly titled E=MC². Unfortunately, Mariah's latest work failed to fulfill my boyhood expectations.

Don't get me wrong, E=MC² has some definite highlights. On the now ubiquitous first single, "Touch My Body," Mariah does a fantastic job of combining sexy (She pleads to "Let me rub my face/All around your waist/Just a little taste") with a hint of scary (If I tell anyone about our secret canoodling, she vows to "hunt me down"). "Side Effects," an upbeat club anthem, sounds like any other Scott Storch production, which means you'll like it but you'll probably be ashamed of it. The work of Swiss Beatz on "O.O.C.," a song I can guarantee you will dance to this summer, is equally admirable. Finally, Damian Marley's reggae-rap lyrics on "Cruise Control" are the undoubted highlight of the album, effectively saving a track that features Mariah trying to sing in her own Jamaican accent.

However, the middle tracks of E=MC² deteriorate into Jermaine Dupri-produced power ballads that quickly become tiresome and monotonous. "I Stay in Love," "Love Story" and "Last Kiss" are highly predictable tracks with lyrics that detail all the cliches about love you can think of. Worse yet, sometimes Carey's work is too pop for a pop album. "I'm That Chick" is so bubble-gum and flower that it should come with a warning to diabetics and people with severe allergies.

Sadly, while there are definite strong points on E=MC², the unstoppable and unrivaled sex goddess that was the Mariah Carey of my childhood-the one behind the life-changing songs "Honey" and "Fantasy"-will have to remain just that, a memory. Getting older sucks.