Forbidden Kingdom

Jackie Chan. Jet Li. One screen. One big let down. The fight scenes were great-like all the new martial-arts movies coming out these days-but even the spectacle of a white-clad Jet Li sparring with a Rastafarian Jackie Chan is not enough to salvage this storyline. But let's keep to what matters most-; the moves those guys were throwing were freakin' sweet! Seriously, watching the Praying Mantis style take on Tiger style should be a prerequisite of achieving full manhood. No life is complete without experiencing the awesomeness of Asian women battling each other and wishing you were the token white guy in the film.

Speaking as an awesome Asian woman, I am deeply disappointed with the leading girl, Sparrow. I mean, if you're a young spry Asian without parents telling you stories about how sex can result in an early death, why wouldn't you jump on the only white boy around the second you see him? All the Asian guys I know have [Editor's note: ASA has threatened suit and the rest has been censored.] Sure the fight moves were impressive, and there is at least one good sequence featuring just the two main (read: only) vixens battling it out. But overall, Sparrow is nothing more than a pigeonholed, one-dimensional stereotype who failed to own her manufactured sex-appeal. And what was up with the fully-clothed-will-not-put-out orphan speaking in the third person for most of the movie? Seriously? With a name like Sparrow and the typical backstory involving death and destruction, you would expect her to be messed up in a more twisted and impressive way (think: O-Ren Ishii).

Now it is time for Varun the Editor to weigh in. As Braden and Nancy have already articulated, this movie blows. Question: Why do Chinese people from the Middle Ages speak English? Answer: Because the filmmakers are lazy. I think the most surprising thing about the film is that the terrible dialogue was actually written by somebody who learned English as a first language. I mean, yeah, it is really awesome that you managed to write an entire film as if it were a Japanese-imported videogame from the '80s, but the over-emotional script is a little much. At least the cinematography was pretty. P.S. Sparrow is hot.