Some of us prefer to work for what we get. We enjoy putting in the necessary time and energy. We like to really see our projects through to their conclusion.
Others like the quick fix. It's why we have CliffsNotes, anabolic steroids and the state lottery.
Still, sometimes the quick fix is not enough. Sometimes you need the quicker-than-quick fix.
This is where I come in. If meeting a nice girl, taking her out for a few dates and then finally making a proper move is the conventional path, then busting out a nice pick-up line is the quick fix. But, the quicker-than-quick fix is reading a Valentine's Day column about what pick-up lines work best and which ones get you slapped in the face.
This, of course, is why last weekend I bravely ventured into the jungle that is the Duke single's scene. Armed with 26 of my best pick-up lines and some very skeptical friends, I descended upon a wide variety of attractive (read: vulnerable) ladies.
Before I went out, I classified my lines into three distinct groups: the lame, the suave and the blunt. I'll discuss each separately.
The Lame: It takes a certain kind of man to approach a woman and boldly tell her, "If you were a hamburger, you'd be the McGorgeous," or, "If you were a booger, I'd pick you first." And from my experience, that man is a highly unsuccessful man. But what's even worse than using a corny line is spewing out something she's already heard. Trust me, don't bother with, "You must be Jamaican because Jamaican me crazy," or, "Are you from Nashville? Because you're the only Ten-I-See." At one point, a nice blonde even humored me with, "Aw, that's cute. You're trying," before disappearing into a sea of her friends.
Basically, if girls wanted someone lame and predictable, they'd stick with E-Socials or Augustana concerts.
The Suave: Finally, things started to go my way. My success began as I confidently slid next to the girl at the bar and coolly stated, "If I had a nickel for every time I have seen someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents." Even I was surprised that she smiled. Granted, I met a little resistance with, "I was wondering if you have a moment to spare for me to hit on you?" but bounced back admirably with a deft, "Do you know what looks good on you? Me." This was especially well-received, even eliciting the playful pat on the chest. Eventually the target-I mean girl-went so far as to hint that I should buy her a drink. Unfortunately, she came down with a case of 'OMG, I love this song' before I even had the chance to awkwardly blow it. I had to move on to my more straightforward and aggressive material.
The Blunt: So, it's getting late and you've probably had a few too many by now. And yeah, that cute girl from Dynamic Earth doesn't really want to dance with you. In other words, you're getting lonely and desperate. I've been there too, which is why I ended up walking to the closest thing female, looking her dead in the eyes, and telling her, "I may not be the best-looking guy here, but I am the only one talking to you." She was not amused. I countered with, "I'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips. And move my way up to the bellybutton." She was less amused. Bad times. Definitely bad times.
Sensing that time was running out, I grabbed something ethnic and shouted, "Do you have any Jew in you? Do you want some?" But it was too late. Before I knew it, she(?) had vanished into the crisp Durham evening. I returned home with the all-too-familiar combination of a strong buzz and a Cook-Out tray. I couldn't decide whether my pick-up lines had let me down or if it was the other way around.
So what did I learn from this experience? It's simple; the best pick-up lines aren't really pick-up lines at all. When in doubt, go with, "I'm writing a piece for The Chronicle about pick-up lines," or, "Do you think a pick-up line would ever work on you?"
Better yet, choose the one line that every guy knows will attract the most female attention: "You're very pretty, but I have a girlfriend."
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