Stop the menace: Duke's cat problem

We've all been there before. You're walking back from the library, you hear a rustle in the bushes, and all of a sudden-MEOOOWWWWW!!!-some huge cat jumps out in front of you, scaring the hell out of everybody. What's worse is that it's often a black cat and the rest of your day is cursed.

Have you tried to pet these things? We have. Their fur is not only damp but also caked with mud, beer and who-knows-what from K-ville. They're antisocial, too. We tried approaching one the other day and she was just plain rude. That's right, Tabitha, we're talking about you. We know you saw us in Alpine. We stared you down for 10 minutes straight and you didn't even lift your head. No one texts for that long. And why haven't you poked Carson back on Facebook? This is a really big tangent.

Duke University is being overrun by enormous, muscular, hideous, disease-ridden yet somehow charming felines, and something needs to be done.

But before we don't offer you any solutions, let's blame some people. To those leaving food saucers outside the Physics Building, you are the biggest culprits. Stop feeding and they'll stop breeding. Also, we don't like physics.

Next, we blame a general lack of campus dialogue. Neither of us has seen a single article about cats in The Chronicle, and the Campus Culture Initiative ignored this problem entirely. Shameful.

Finally, we blame Larry Moneta, vice president for student affairs. We don't know why, but he'll get targeted eventually, so we might as well start here. THANKS, Larry. Because of you there are at least 23 cats jumping out of bushes, scaring us to death and cursing our days at Duke. At this rate it won't be long before they start EATING US ALIVE.

In short, until something's done we're going to play "Kitten Cannon" (http://addictinggames.com/kittencannon.html) to release some antifeline anger. But within a few hours we'll find this game isn't as entertaining as we thought and we'll continue our crusade. Take heed, Provost Peter Lange. Pretty soon we're going to call this campus to action and show these pussies who means business.

Jamie Deal