Screw Fall Break, I need a Xanax

Rumor has it that prestigious Northeastern universities created the first fall break to ameliorate high suicide rates during the fall semester. Apparently, the combined stress of resuming school after summer and studying in dreary New England winters was driving students to desperate measures.

I can see the board meeting now: the school paper open on the desk, rain pattering on the windows as professors in elbow patches and herringbone skirts shake their heads in dismay. Finally, one pipes up, "Aha! Let's give them two days off!"

Two days off indeed. Although Fall Break probably makes a dent in student stress, a four-day weekend seems unlikely to tackle all the problems that a school like Duke has to offer. Depression, Adderall and cocaine abuse, lack of sleep and poor eating habits are only the tip of the iceberg. A friend of mine who is writing her dissertation has experienced a 15-point rise in her resting blood pressure in the past several months. I get strawberry seeds stuck in my molars because I grind my teeth in my sleep.

Fall Break is an especially inefficient stress reliever for graduate students. Most labs scoff at University holidays (No Martin Luther King Day picnics for us, le sigh) and we are usually assigned take-home midterms to finish over the break. Granted, I'm not complaining, I'd much rather write a midterm during Fall Break than during a period of intense classwork and TAing. I am, however, saying that relaxation will not happen unless it is as regularly scheduled as classes. (If you're half as neurotic as I am, you can pencil it in on one of your 50,000 to-do lists). So that's it, we have to stop talking about relaxing and actually do it. But how? Good thing I'm a total basketcase and have already done the background research for you.

First of all, what you do to relax should be tailored to your particular stressor. Some relaxation techniques, like full-body massages, acupuncture and burning scented candles will ease a variety of anxieties, but they cost money and you might burn the house down. So, if you're out of dough and matches, try some of these alternatives.

Suppose you're feeling self-conscious and think you always look stupid. One option is to sit next to a loose flagstone on West Campus and pretend to talk on your phone. At least one in 10 people who walk by will trip on it, drop books, fall down or some combination thereof. If you're really lucky, some poor distracted sap might walk into a wall. There you go. Everyone eventually looks like a fool. While you're doing this, you can also train yourself to hide your emotions by plastering a sympathetic grimace on your face while laughing like hell inside. (Hey, I said it was effective, not nice.)

Feeling the pressure of school? Take an afternoon off and read a book in Duke Gardens. The one caveat is that the book has to be an absolute piece of crap. I recommend "Size Fourteen is Not Fat Either" by Meg Cabot. You can read it in about an hour, then, when you're finished, gaze up at the sky and be thankful that you are neither as much of a boring cliche as the main character, nor as much of a chump as the stereotype-slinger that created her.

Significant other being an ass? Write down all the ways you could get back at him/her and how you'd get away with it. (My personal favorite is plastering the offender's house in ham). Then DON'T do it. Instead, go have a beer and giggle/guffaw at your ingenuity with your friends. Smile fondly at your restraint upon your next romantic interaction.