Bryan Zupon and the Citrus Chronicles

Having eaten his way through many of the best and worst restaurants in the Triangle, recess Tastes editor Bryan Zupon ventures into territory strikingly unfamiliar to a devoted food writer. Here is his story of 10 grueling days on the Master Cleanse.

9/6/07 - Out to dinner with friends, one of my party mentions a bizarre detox plan called the Master Cleanse. "This has to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard," I say, "I have to try it."

9/10/07, Day 1 - Some Googling over the weekend offers insight as to the symptoms I might encounter over the next 10 days. The prospect of nausea, vomiting, headaches, fainting, and cramps do not faze me, the cleanse must begin.

Trips to Food Lion, Whole Foods and Uncle Harry's allow me to procure the necessary supplies. The manager at Uncle Harry's gives me a strange look when I ask to place a special order for two-dozen lemons. I feel somewhat embarrassed explaining the reason behind my order. This is nothing, however, compared to the mortification of having a salesclerk at Whole Foods explain to me the virtues of various laxative teas. I settle on Smooth Move, apparently an excellent and effective choice.

I make my first batch of lemonade-60 ounces of water, 12 tablespoons each of organic grade B maple syrup and freshly squeezed lemon juice and a half-teaspoon of cayenne pepper-and take a sip. The concoction is not that bad, at once acidic, spicy and sweet.

9/11/07, Day 2 - The first day passes without incident and little hunger, my body apparently content to run off of this new elixir. In class, a professor offers us homemade cookies that I must regretfully decline. Besides this one temptation, the second day passes easily.

Later that evening, I brew my second mug of Smooth Move. The tea itself is actually quite tasty, pleasantly evoking grass, green wood and licorice. My stomach is slightly unsettled, however; there's not much left in it.

9/12/07, Day 3 - The worst day so far. The day begins with an early start at about 5:00 am as my entire intestinal tract is wracked with cramps. I stand up, walk around, and wait for the pain to subside. After falling back into fitful sleep, I wake again, now bestowed with the double whammy of both cramps and a faint headache. I wonder if the Lobby Shop sells Midol.

A dull but not overwhelming hunger persists throughout the day. My body is sore and my headache lingers. I dutifully suck down the lemonade and hope that the sugar will do me good. Thankfully, it helps.

9/13/07, Day 4 - It seems that the worst is over, and now boredom sets in. My friends meet up for dinner; I stay in. They go and get groceries; I stay in. It's a Thursday night and everyone is at Satisfaction's; I stay in. Too weak to work out, but not tired enough to sleep, the lemonade is my only friend.

When brewing my cup of tea for the evening, I forget about it and let it steep for 30 minutes, as opposed to the recommended 15. It tastes especially potent. I hope this isn't a problem.

9/15/07, Day 6 - A bout of cramps begins at about 6:00 am and continues persistently until past 10:00 am. The hours I spend curled up in the fetal position are the most unpleasant of the cleanse so far. Damn you, Smooth Move. There will be no more tea for me; I'm switching to the saltwater flush.

Nevertheless, I soldier on and face the day. My friends and I go to Raleigh for a day of go-karting, mini-golf and laser tag. Between shooting little girls in back with my laser gun and the sweltering heat on the links, I feel faint.

9/16/07, Day 7 - I wake up on Sunday morning, sore from the previous day's activities. It is highly unadvisable to exert one's self while on the Master Cleanse. I should have listened. Still, I'm not that hungry and have a good amount of energy.

9/19/07, Day 10 - It's the last day of the cleanse, and I feel great. My energy is up-I even walked from my Central Campus apartment to ePrint forgoing my usual habit of driving the 25 seconds it takes to get there-and I don't even feel all that hungry. The lemonade has likely given me the beginnings of an ulcer and has certainly worn the enamel off my teeth, but it's been a fun experience.

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