Early Wednesday, astronaut Lisa Nowak was flown to Johnson Space Center in Houston amid talks of a psychological evaluation. The reason for the trip? Attempted second-degree murder of a fellow astronaut.
Nowak, who joined the space program in 1996 and returned from a mission aboard Discovery in July, is accused of assaulting Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipmen with a bottle of pepper spray.
The two apparently shared a less than plutonic relationship with Navy Commander Bill Oefelein and, what with Valentine's Day only a few days away, wanted to settle once and for all who got top. Despite widespread interest in the story, NASA has refused to allow interviews, stating, "What happens in our prototype zero-gravity simulators stays in our prototype zero-gravity simulators."
Critics of NASA policy are quick to question the screening methods that would allow such a torrid love triangle to develop. NASA officials recognized flaws in their assessment of potential pilots last Tuesday*, and hope that a psychological test of Nowak will help resolve key issues. Of particular interest: whether recruiting screeners from ex-writers of The Young and the Restless was a poor decision.
As the story unfolds, media interest has continued to grow. The three astronauts have already agreed to appear on a special edition of the Jerry Springer Show entitled, "In space, no one can hear you scream, 'Oh God... Yes... Yes... Touchdown!'"**
The lovers are slotted opposite a pair of twins conjoined at the nipple and Delta 2337, an extra-terrestrial from the planet Omicron 7 who stands accused of grossly misusing a set of chrome probes.
-Alex Warr
*We are not making this up
**Okay, so this one we made up.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.