Last Saturday, recess waited in the West Campus Plaza mists for that cute girl from our Rocks for Jocks class and noticed something dispicable. The plaza mists left us smelling like a Craven Quad shower. Because the water quality in Durham is lower than K-Fed's street cred, recess has decided to run as a write-in candidate for Durham County Water Utilities manager.
Some of you may be wondering what our platform consists of. Well let recess throw out two words: family values. That's right, it's a widely known fact that the most important personality trait of any water utilities manager is an unflinching dedication to the American Nuclear Family establishment-oh, and recess loves Jesus too.
To this end, we have contacted Madonna's people and recess is sending off for two kids and a wife from Malaysia. To complete our suburban bliss, they offered to throw in a minivan and Kenny G's latest for an extra 15 bucks, but we declined-just think of all the better things recess could do with $15, like buy 15 Yanni CDs.
But we are not blind to the issues. If elected, recess promises a Brita water system in every kitchen and two replacement filters in every garage.
In addition to improving general water quality, recess shall use its power to ban all Facebook groups that begin with "If 300,000 people join this group..."-with the obvious exception of recess's own "If a gazillion people join this group recess will catch Osama."
Also, we have it on good authority that the current water ultilites manager, or WUM as we say in the biz, is cheating on his wife with a gay, pro-choice, flag-burning child predator. Not that there's anything wrong with any of those, let it be known that recess is nothing if not open-minded.
In fact, recess is very pro-diversity- we will be changing our name to réçëss for a more ethnic flair. So remember-vote early, vote often.
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