Stingrays were already in my doghouse for obvious reasons-before they decided to take out my Aussie hero Steve Irwin. Stingrays, for those in the know, are basically sharks' coral-reef-billy-inbred cousins-you know, the ones with the misshapen faces. They look like reject pancakes found on the floor of your local IHOP, spotted and slightly yellow with a tainted, serrated barb inside.
It is well documented that stingrays are indirectly responsible for the sinkings of the Titanic and the Lusitania. In fact, satellite photos reveal a clandestine meeting between stingrays and Osama bin Laden. And we now know stingrays helped Saddam hide his biochemical weapons in their poisonous stingers. Interestingly enough, if you look closely at Da Vinci's "The Last Supper," you can see a stingray offering pennies to Judas-who, according to genetic studies, was 1/17 stingray and other fractions as well.
According to always reliable, never wrong Wikipedia, stingrays are docile creatures that "flee like school children at the sight of Flavor Flav."* I say docile-schmocile, why would any creature attack a man who simultaneously uses "Crikey!" as a curse word and a term of endearment? Those who followed Steve "the Crocodile Hunter" Irwin while he was with us can recall his genuine passion and love for all things non-sapien. His emotional sob-fest at the death of his favorite crocodile proves that animals and people can truly be friends... but only platonic friends-I'm looking at you, Alabama.
No matter how much I try to hide the pain of Irwin's death with booze and drug-induced Animal Planet marathons, I have to admit that when the barb pierced the heart of the Wonder from Down Under, I felt it pierce my own. That is why I am now a strict stingray-ivore. I urge all readers to go out and ask Pauly for his new stingray dogs topped with stingray-chili, powdered stingray, stingslaw and a Diet Coke-gotta watch my figure.
*Not actual Wikipedia documentation, but give me an hour and we'll see.
This unserious sandbox is seriously dedicated to Steve Irwin (1962-2006), beloved naturalist and television personality who was tragically taken from the Earth before his time. He is survived by his wife and two children, Bob and Bindi Sue.
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