Welcome to school, Duke University Class of 2010! I hear good things. Some pretty fly honeyz. Gerald Henderson, I think you're the man. If you're looking for an agent after this year, I just want you to know that I took the Bobcats to the Eastern Conference Finals in an NBA Live '06 Dynasty in three years. Three years. I know how to play the market.
Anyway, I can't believe it's already time for class. Orientation week is such a blur. I honestly do not have a single descriptive memory of it, and it's Sunday. I completely forgot classes were even starting until my editor called me last night.
Besides for some mental stimulation and an opportunity to see the other half of the morning, classes also offer us the chance to go out into the campus and get absorbed into Duke life. And let me tell you, Class of '10 (how do you say that, by the way? I say "Trinity O-nine." Do freshmen just say "Trinity ten?") there's a lot to look forward to this year!
First things first, let's get blackout. Sept. 2, first football game-it's tailgate time. What? There's no tailgate! What the hell am I supposed to do with all those damn Halloween costumes I bought last year? I even put a hole in my car's floor so people could go underneath and do funnels without the po-po seeing.
Honestly, this is all because of freshman girls. Listen freshman girls, I love you. I LOVE YOU. But you should not be allowed to drink before 12 p.m., because one in four of you will probably go to the hospital. There is no reason to completely get rid of tailgate, just don't let freshmen girls drink until the p.m. Seriously, it's not tailgate that's sending these girls to the hospital. They can't drink enough beer for that. It's the six shots that they take at 7 a.m. when they wake up that does.
And how 'bout that new BC walkway? HELL YEAH! That thing kicks ass, and it's completely new for you, Class of '10! I don't mind having to wait a year through constant construction and the extremely inconvenient walk that it caused for the mist maker alone.
The feeling of walking over that thing on a hot day in a pair of mesh shorts sans underwear is sublime. I know I've seen a couple TriDelts in skirts doing it.
There's also those three letters you'll quickly learn to despise: A.L.E. When I was a freshman last year, I had no idea what ALE was. Then, one night a couple weeks into the year, I was at an undisclosed frat house and some kid yelled out "A-L-E!" I thought he was just sloppy drunk and spelling out "ale" really excitedly, and I got pretty psyched for someone to be bringing over some Sam Adams or something classy. As it turns out, he actually meant ALE, and I should not have been psyched.
ALE is extremely annoying, and really goes against the University's support for Greek Life. I don't get it. Does Dick Brodhead (the president of the school in case you skipped all the orientation meetings) not realize that every frat drinks "unsafe" and copious amounts of alcohol not only during pledging, but also on any given night as simply a brother? I know the University turns a blind eye to that situation, but I just don't understand where it is that their vision clears. It seems like a pretty blurred line to me.
(On a more personal note about ALE: I've heard a lot of talk about the freshman class being scared of ALE because of orientation. Stop being babies about it. I got cited last year, not a huge deal. You can't let it affect your life. Plus, I waited two semesters to finally become an upperclassman so I could hook up with younger girls. Please go out. I need this.)
Man, this year is going to be great. There's so much possibility. Anything can happen. I think last year proved that. And guess what! There's even more waiting for us in the spring. Oh boy, what the lacrosse season will bring. Honestly, I am expecting something ludicrous to happen like Al Sharpton streaking across the field before the first game in protest leading to a mass stripping throughout Durham, and people soon forgetting why it is that they were originally naked and Durham becoming a nudist city. (Sorry, it was a late night last night).
It's an exciting time to be at Duke. The Harvard of the South. The Reigning Girl's Golf National Champions. The ACC Football powerhouse. The school where the only thing guaranteed is a Sweet 16 loss. I can't wait to get to meet you, '10. It feels great to be back!
The Class of 2010 rolls with Morning Wood on the regular. Tom Segal needs pills.
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