The Train opens its 'mailbag'

In lieu of an update from the Road to Indy, I thought I'd take a look in The Train's mailbag for some (completely made up) questions.

Dear Alex,

My athletic department's statistics page lists Rudy Gay as our team's steals leader, but there's no way that's correct. Tell Train Nation who really leads the UConn Huskies in steals.

M. Williams

Storrs, Conn.

It's almost like they're writing these questions just to set me up.

I honestly can't believe they would steal such a distinction from you. This is like stealing candy from a baby (or laptops from women's basketball players). I just can't believe they've robbed you of what you've rightfully earned. This is outright larceny, thievery and burglary of the worst kind.

On the bright side, it's not like anyone in Storrs can access those statistics anyway-unless they have a desktop.

They're definitely going to go with the one-three-one zone. Or maybe they'll protect the lines to prevent the other team's batters from hitting doubles. But maybe they should be going with a Cover-2-it did wonders for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Actually, now that I think about it, they'll probably play the same aggressive man-to-man defense they've played for the 26 years since Coach K got here. Just a thought.

But you know if a defenseman pinches in off the point, you've got to keep a forward back.

Alex,

Good God, what have I done with my life. Two years ago, I was on top of the world. I was MVP of the ACC Tournament. People thought I was the next Stephon Marbury. Somebody has to warn the rest of the world so that this doesn't happen to anyone else. To paraphrase Ron Burgundy, mailing in my junior year and forcing my coach to basically tell me to forget about coming back to school next year was a baaaaad choice. But if my story can save someone else from the same fate it'll all be worth it (kind of).

J. Gilchrist

Rishon, Israel

Ask and ye shall receive. You get about 31 minutes per game and you score 14.6 points per contest for the third-place team in your league. You have a 2:1 assist-to-turnover ratio, and you're shooting a very respectable 57.1 percent. Not bad for a guy once compared to Marbury.

Of course, the only problem is that you're doing all of this for Maccabi Rishon LeZion in the Israeli League where the leading scorer on your team is a dude named Omar Sneed. But on the bright side, you're kind of like the Marbury of the Israeli League, which is kind of like being the Albert Belle of a synagogue softball league. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.

Mr. Fanaroff,

You've spent time in your columns ripping on Texas, North Carolina, Maryland, Boston College and UConn (among others), but you've never ripped on Memphis. Do we not deserve it? We're the No. 3 team in the country. If you're going to crack jokes at the top teams in the country, then you should at least be fair and criticize all the top teams.

D. Washington

Memphis, Tenn.

I'm so sorry. Maybe you could collapse on the floor and cry about it. Not that you'd ever do that or anything.

(Actually, wouldn't you just love it if J.J. Redick got fouled on a meaningless three-pointer with Duke leading by 20-plus and then made the first free throw and winked at the Duke bench before intentionally missing the second two and collapsing on the court in tears? Wouldn't that just be hilarious? What's that Mr. Washington, you wouldn't love that? Oh, my bad.)

Dear Alex,

You can't make fun of me-I'm from Maryland, no one can beat me.

N. Caner-Medley

College Park, Md.

Thanks for the contribution. But since Chris McCray decided that stuff like, um, going to class and doing his homework was below him, things have kind of gone downhill for you guys. I mean, you're 3-6. You lost to Temple. Pretty much everyone has beaten you. Sorry to burst your bubble like that, buddy. Maybe McCray had the right idea-at least he doesn't have to watch you guys stink up the joint every night.

Train-man,

In my column on ESPN.com, I said that UConn is the team to beat this season. Given that you are absolutely head-over-heels for Duke, you've got to have something to say to that.

P. Forde

Bristol, Conn.

Here's what I have to say:

Highest scoring offense in the nation. Second-best strength of schedule. No. 1 in the RPI and both major polls. Ten wins in a row. 27-1.

We'll replace you on The Train with someone that appreciates Duke's achievements. Like Dick Vitale.

Choo, choo.