Welcome back! JACK BAUER'S BIDET hopes you had a Merry Christmas, Happy (C)Hannuk(k)a(h), and/or Joyous Kwanzaa; don't worry, JACK doesn't care how your religion celebrates the miraculous birth of our Sweet Lord. JACK just hopes you had as good a time doing it as he did.
JACK BAUER'S BIDET went back to his hometown Boston for the break, an experience that would have been relaxing and restorative had Grandma not gotten into his dad's special "egg nog," a secret BAUER'S BIDET family holiday recipe made entirely out of Johnny Walker Red and ice cubes. We knew something wasn't quite right when she started carping about how she had been waiting 88 years for a Bruins championship. Granny turns 48 in a week. (The BAUER'S BIDETs tend to start early. JACK would dearly, dearly like to start as soon as possible. IM "SaltyTeer33" if you're interested).
The end results of the evening, if recounted in full, would undoubtedly offend the sensibilities of this fine newspaper's intended readership, so suffice it to say:
A. The Big Dig is, for all intents and purposes, finished,
B. The homeless population on the south side of Boston will never again look at a bratwurst with the same sense of childlike wonder and innocence, and
C. The BAUER'S BIDET clan is no longer welcome within 30 miles of a Dunkin' Donuts and, as such, has been forced to relocate to Atlanta.
JACK BAUER'S BIDET was excited for a while about cheering for the Falcons but then decided if he was going to watch abortive 28-yard field goal attempts, he might as well be at Duke. After the drive, JACK came to the realization that Durham is boring. JACK has since set many dubious world records, which in the interest of propriety shall remain nameless.
Just because JACK BAUER'S BIDET had a very reproductive break doesn't mean your student leaders and administrators spent the whole time "slacking" off as well. Indeed, JACK did a bit of snooping around and is pleased to report to you some of the great strides campus leadership has made over the break, while you were at home recharging your academic batteries.3
JACK BAUER'S BIDET accidentally went to go buy his books at the Regulator and overheard negotiations between representatives of the Freeman Center for Jewish Life and the Office of Information Technology. Apparently, the two groups are attempting to share costs for the next print run of the "Don't Cut Yourself Off" posters, in a newly founded effort to increase awareness of both Internet security during school breaks and circumcision alternatives.
JACK BAUER'S BIDET decided to go check out the new space at Sanford, and it turns out the Institute, so pleased with the success of Gen. Colin Powell, has invited Time Magazine's Person of the Year Bono to speak. The speech is to be followed by a U2 concert. JACK did some wrangling and his best Melinda Gates impersonation, and the speech is now scheduled for JACK's 78 square-foot Kilgo single at 8 a.m. The concert is to be held immediately following, in the men's locker room at Wilson Gymnasium. Admission to both events is on the honor-system, first-come-first-serve.
On an unrelated note, Faran Krentcil will deliver the commencement remarks for the class of 2006.
Having his fill of intrigue, JACK BAUER'S BIDET went to get a jump on his schoolwork in Bostock, before people started using the bathrooms again. JACK doesn't like the way the Bostock bathrooms tend to smell like urine. Posted above the urinal was a joint resolution of the Inter-Fraternity Council and the Panhellenic Association. By joint decree, it will be a violation for members of any PanHel group to flirt obnoxiously while in Bostock with members of erstwhile fraternoties "Eta Prime" and "Delta Phi Alpha." Naturally, members of IFC and PanHel recognized groups may still socialize and flirt at whatever volume or in whatever numbers they see fit. Pauly will be selling FroYo outside.
Speaking of creative retail space, JACK BAUER'S BIDET was offered a job by Elkus Manfredi Architects to aid in the strategic planning for Central Campus, scheduled for completion in 2020. JACK likes the job security and predicts the Boston-based firm will secure further multimillion contracts with Duke for the Mexico, Florence and Lunar campuses, scheduled for completion in 2021, 2038, and upon the invention of cost-effective phasor particle disruption-based transport, respectively. JACK reminds you to contribute to the Financial Aid Initiative.
JACK BAUER'S BIDET is glad to see you all again and invites you to check out the newly completed Student Plaza. Its early completion is Duke's Holiday present to you. However, due to union regulations, there will be a mandatory 3-hour jackhammering session at seven a.m., every weekday for the remainder of the semester.
JACK BAUER'S BIDET is the anonymous humorist this semester. The column normally runs every Monday.
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