Doubters, critics beware: Here comes The Train

Attention haters, skeptics, Carolina fans, Maryland fans, Texas fans, Villanova fans, Connecticut fans, Michigan State fans and any other misguided soul who is not absolutely certain Duke will win the NCAA Championship this year.

Repeat after me: Duke is the best team in the country. Everyone else is just playing for second place.

Keep saying it until you believe it, because The Train has one simple rule.

Thou Shalt Not Be a Hater. Ever. Unless Duke loses.

(And Thou Shalt Not Wear Spandex to Tailgate, but that's a given.)

Break the rules if you want, but Lee "The Human Emotional Highlight Reel" Melchionni is The Train's official enforcer, and he says he may have a new flexing pose this year.

Alex, are you kidding? Another "Duke will win the National Championship" column? Can't you think of anything else to write?

Hey baby, The Train's not stopping until Duke wins the championship, so why should I? Besides, there are too many skeptics out there.

Weaknesses, Shmeaknesses.

Here's a weakness: Connecticut guards Marcus Williams' and A.J. Price's propensity to steal laptops from fellow students.

Here's another: Villanova forward Curtis Sumpter's knee.

Want a third? Texas head coach Rick Barnes' inability to win the big game. He's won one big game in his career-to reach the Final Four in 2003-and he needed T.J. Ford and a virtual home game in San Antonio to do it.

Here's the point. Every team in college basketball has weaknesses and deficiencies, Duke just has fewer.

Yeah, if J.J. Redick goes cold from the outside Duke won't score as many points, and it may be harder for the team to win. Duh. But if P.J. Tucker forgets to do his homework (again), Texas is sure going to miss his toughness. And if Paul Davis continues to be the worst rebounding 6-foot-11, 270-pounder of all time, Michigan State coach Tom Izzo just may rip his own head off. And then where would the Spartans be?

Coach K has made every effort to ensure that Redick won't have those puzzling games when he never really gets going by allowing Redick a ton of offensive freedom.

Now Redick says he's the Peyton Manning of Duke's offense, which means he'll do a lot of waving and gesturing before Duke snaps the ball. And it means he'll be allowed to change plays on the fly.

Are you sure that Coach K's calling J.J. Duke's quarterback is a good thing? Aren't you terrified that just means he'll throw a lot of interceptions and never score?

Um, let's just move on.

Another proposed condition for Duke's winning the title-brought to you by "An Analyst, Not a Hater" Beaton-is that role players like "The Human Emotional Highlight Reel" Melchionni and DeMarcus Nelson must effectively complement Duke's superstars.

A condition? Sure things don't have conditions.

Krzyzewski has 10 players ready to contribute this season, which means his game-planning potential is about as flexible as Nadia Comaneci. Duke's going to run and press, which is going to make everyone look better.

Nelson is thrilled because he should get tons of easy baskets in transitions, and Melchionni should be, too; defenses scrambling to get back will leave him alone for long-range shots. "The Human Emotional Highlight Reel" does not miss open shots.

So do Duke's hopes depend on the team's role players? Duh. Is The Train worried they can't perform? No.

The runnin' Blue Devils are fast and athletic enough to score 100 points per game. And even if Redick, Nelson and Melchionni all go Ricky Williams and decide to spend the season touring with Lenny Kravitz instead of playing basketball, Duke has enough lock-down defenders to win ugly like they did last year.

The Train is coming through. Don't get in the way, haters.