Two easy steps to college success

Not only do I not really like people who don't drink and do drugs, but I also don't really trust them. I know that many of you (since this column runs on Fridays to an audience of five, I imagine that "many" is two) must be thinking to yourself: "Why wouldn't he trust me? I am the responsible one. I am the D.D. The one who holds your hair back while you throw up, the person who lights the bong when you are giggling too much to get the fire to the slide without spilling the weed or burning your fingers."

Who cares? You are probably also the person who chides me for taking that 10th shot in the pre-game. The one who ruins my high by refusing to rewatch Iron Chef (thank God for inventing DVR). In the end, I just don't trust that while you are pretending to enjoy hanging out with wasted people, you aren't sitting on your high horse watching me-judging me. And maybe it is just me, but I end up not having fun because all I do all night is wonder why in the world you wouldn't want to be getting messed up.

The only things I can't tolerate are people who don't like me and people who are annoying. Some people complain about how the social scene is dominated by the greeks, but I always think to myself: "Say what you want about greeks, at least they drink and do a lot of drugs."

I might not be thinking it all the way through, but if you don't party, I can not imagine hanging out with you. What are we going to do? Go to the movies? Go to a coffee shop and talk? Go to dinner and find out how each other's days were? I would probably rather stay home, drink skunked beer and stalk people on facebook.com. No offense, but if you don't like alcohol and drugs, I just don't see our friendship going anywhere. We just don't have anything in common.

The fact is, if you don't drink and do drugs you are missing out on all of the real pleasures of college. For example, food points were created because kids were unable to get food while under the influence of marijuana. Tailgating, despite what Larry Moneta might think, has no other purpose then boozing. SafeRides were invented as a get out of jail free card for kids too drunk to drive home. And the Marketplace serves brunch instead of breakfast on Saturdays and Sundays because you should be too hung over to make it to breakfast (and probably too hung over to make it to brunch).

I don't know about anyone else, but I would actually go crazy if I didn't just turn off my brain several nights a week. It's like my grandmother always told me, a drink a day keeps the head-shrinker away (Granny liked to wax poetic when she was high). When I miss a few cycles of alcohol abuse, I start to focus on my hang-ups, my little problems, the fact that I don't have a job at Bain or Goldman Sachs. And then I get bitter, and then I start to realize how much better I am than anyone else despite what my GPA, test scores and peers say. Naturally, immediately after that I begin to alienate everyone around me.

On the other hand, if I go on a nice bender, I wake up every morning with the sun shining (far too brightly in most cases) and the day full of surprises (there is a paper due today?). How anyone can bear the monotony of college life without a healthy substance abuse habit is beyond me. What is there to do in this town besides drugs? Durham is one step removed from one of those towns in Louisiana where all the kids do crystal meth just because they are bored.

How do you even make friends without substances? I think that until you have that hammered "I love you man (or woman)" moment, you will always be thinking that your friends are just there because you have a really big TV. So stop feeling guilty, light up the bong, pour yourself a drink and have a college experience before it is too late.